clock ticks away...

...but time doesn't seem to move. it feels like, a siege.

isn't that how it feels when you experience the emotions of regret, guilt, disappointment, betrayal, anger, humiliation, loss? you feel claustrophobic...like you can't see a way out.

as cliched and naive as this may sound, there is only one thing in this life that can make one feel like a million bucks or a grain of sand in the sahara. that same thing has the capability to turn one into a winner and a loser...overnight.

...i badly wanted to clasp my hand, and crush it in my palm.

it's a difficult world when one tries to live by values and principles. the only satisfying and perhaps consoling factor is that at the end of it all, one can say "i did it my way". what one compromises in pursuit of such ambitions in life challenges the validity of the very values and principles one tries to uphold. Can one live without the joys of life that are compromised by the values and principles which one believes offers the "ultimate" in life? that the capture of such a coveted prize supercedes the many other joys life could offer?

when one feels that one has become the victim of one's own values and principles, when doubt rears its ugly head, when one hasn't succeeded in achieving even the smallest of what those values and principles are meant to achieve, when one walks away feeling like a fool...

...one has to choose, which horse to back with one's last dollar? where now to place one's last remaining faith and trust. place it in the idea of change? or place it again on the values and principles?

...it was great while it lasted. only that, i never expected such fickleness.

perhaps, one's values and principles should include fickleness. at least in that way, you would be the one hurting rather than getting hurt. but then again, it's only pain. what doesn't kill you apparently only makes you stronger...