the other side...

...of the coin. where simple pleasures of life leave you believing that it is all worth it.

at work, everyone's on edge. it's mid-year i.e. crunch time. it's make or break. stress levels up to the nose that it makes it hard to breathe. as the tension levels rise, the workload drags you down. double jeopardy. we've all been at it since ah, forever. that's one side of the coin, the permanent side.

just a little background on the environment i work in...

i sit in a cubicle sized about 6ftx6ft. cramped! that's because the area i'm in is also quite cramped. it's the smallest portion of the entire floor. i have a vp's room about three-feet away diagonally to my right, En. Neguib's. his room is where we and other smokers from other departments take our short trips to smoke, talk cock and bitch about work. Neguib has got a year to retirement, is english-educated (his bahasa is just slightly better than mine), is a good singer, and the type of boss that you'd want to have any time. he's a very relaxed and very experienced man. can be emotional at times but that's what makes him very approachable. he's got a good sense of humour. the type where he can laugh at himself and allows people to poke fun at him.

there are nine people in this small area of ours. six out of which are men. and all of us smoke.

on my immediate left is the first of the trio that makes up what we call, the ppg, something like the powerpuff girls. well, close enough. we call him, panjang, his real name is a.ravi. he sits in a cubicle exactly like mine. by his nickname and name, you can tell he's a tall, indian guy. he's hilarious. the joker. and he's in love with malay girls. he's very sensitive about his hair, or, lack thereof. to his left is steven tan chung teck. he is like his name. comical and cute. he has a round face, round body and he's the shortest amongst all of us. he makes up the g in ppg, which stands for gemuk. he's usually the butt of the joke. people find it difficult to pay attention to him because he talks quite softly and slowly. but he is a sales man. and, he's a whole different person when he starts rapping in mandarin. panjang and gemuk have been friends and colleagues for about 8 years. they are like a couple in love. if one doesn't come to work, the other would call and ask or just to share the day with. sweet, innit? no, they're not gay. steven's recently married. but that doesn't stop the rest of us from making fun of them anyway. that's like an ongoing material. immediately to my right, i have this new colleague, eric. he's a bit of a smart-alec. but he's still cool though. the quietest amongst all of us. the type that purges statistics at whim. he sits in a make shift cubicle but is the same size as mine. his cubicle is located in an alleyway leading to the restroom. basically, we didn't have space for him.

panjang, steven and i are sometimes known as the "muhibbah crew". somehow, it's a novelty in a country that prides itself of its multi-raciality and -religiousity. the four of us have our cubicles in a row backed against a long wall. so we face everybody else.

and everybody else are; kak sham. she's cute, she's nice and emotional. she treats eric and i like the rest of the guys here. oh, by the way, we are in life insurance department. the rest are in general insurance department. she is like the mother to all of us. she'd ask if we want to order lunch together, organise birthdays, sells us tempeyek, stocks up the fridge with our favourite drinks, checks up on us if we've done our claims for the month, and covers up for us if we're late or missing. (hehehe). and then, there's the other p, for pendek. or s.ravi. yes, we have two people by the name of ravi. ravi is the manager. he's the one with all the contacts. his sense of humour is pretty good too. and then, we have evelyn and raji. evelyn appears as the typical uptight clerk. but she is not. she's just quieter. she provides the laughter to the jokes. last and smallest but not least is raji. she's the youngest of the lot with a very cute persona. but she's got a tough job. she has to handle calls from all sorts of people. and most of it come from agents. agents are demanding. and she does it day in, day out.

so, the four of us sit facing the four of them. there's probably about three feet of space between our cubicles and evelyn's and raji's. that's how small and closed in our area is. that also reflects, the kind of bond that we have.


these are the people i share my days with. it is harder to leave when you're already accepted. when you've been made to feel like you belong.
(of course, there are several more very close friends that i make a point to go out for lunches with and more. and i know that they read this blog. so, just because you're not mentioned in here, doesn't mean that you're less important.)
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so, the story goes...

it happened perhaps in the last 15 minutes of the working day. it was brief, it was packed-full but it was lasting. goes to show just how much a really good laugh can do for you. if only i had a decent digital camera to capture the moment. my current employer is engaging in this corporate social responsibility thingamajig. *clapclapclapclap* so one of the things that they're getting us into is being environmentally friendly. as part of its launch, we're asked to wear something green the next day, which is a friday (a casual day at work).


as usual, the discussion started out with what green coloured-clothing item we each have in our wardrobe. each sorta rambles on the things they have that might pass off as reasonably accepted item. the conversation quickly gravitated towards undergarments. but of course. steven suggested that evelyn comes in a pair of green-coloured bra covered only by a white, see-through top. hmmm...what the? neguib volunteered himself to wear a pair of green coloured briefs. we quickly upped it to be a g-string. the g- standing for green. lots of laughter there. someone mentioned panjang to come in his bright green coloured leotards. (he was an athlete of sorts --> that being the reason as to why he'd own a pair of leotards. but for it being bright green...?)

and then, people got creative. neguib started it by suggesting that steven should come in as the hulk. but the thought of him coming to work bare-chested and have his abdomen and torso painted green? remember, he's not particularly muscular. so, no. but the vision of him in that get up got us cracking up. because panjang had the leotards, i suggested that he comes as the riddler. well, funny enough. because we were on cartoons and comic characters, kak sham suggested that neguib should come in as shrek! and went on to explain ....why. and everyone chimed in saying that elroy (another vp) should also come in as shrek. then, we'd have a competition for the best shrek. that got us going even longer. panjang continued by suggesting that evelyn should come as one of the characters from kungfu panda; the praying mantiss! that suited her very well. the image of her in such a get up bawled us over.

then, everyone sorta paused. thinking harder of something more realistic to wear. incidentally, steven, panjang and i got inspired by the potted plant that we have at the office. so, we turned to plants. initially, the suggestions were quite innocent, consisting of hanging leaves around your neck, using a leaf as a loin cloth, etc. then, steven had to suggest that we hang durians on our chest. ouh, not funny. so many people can get hurt. he expanded on that idea with two green apples and an unripe pisang tanduk in place of the pair of testicles and the penis. ok. that, was hilarious (cause you're meant to wear it outside).

and then, kak sham came up with what i personally thought the most brilliant and original idea. i still believe we should've pulled it off! she suggested that steven, panjang, eric and i come as the four ninja turtles! imagine that, the four of us sitting in a row in the ninja turtles costumes. if the earlier suggestions got us rolling on the floor laughing our asses off. this one, well...shook the entire floor with the uncontained laughters. sadly, by then it was already closer to nine pm. man, if we ever have a go green day again, i have to make sure that we've got the costumes ready. imagine, four guys of multi-races and -religions, going around doing something serious like insurance, in turtle suits! yes, being in sales sure makes one very creative. we could've even staged a mock battle.

but in the end, everyone came in very tame outfits. pretty lame actually. except for raji. she came in green clothes and even green lenses! that i thought, had to be the most original of all the ideas that actually materialised.

that, was thursday and friday.
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on saturday, i went for the ten-year reunion of my senior class. yeap, it was great. i just need the photos to prove it! (hahaha where the hell are they anyway?) reminiscing old times, sharing jokes and stories of a time that felt as though came from a different life time, hearing our teachers telling stories about us from their point of view, seeing how successful some guys are...one even came in a ferrari and with a gorgeous wife! ah, blessed.

wonder if he's got life insurance already...?

we even sang the school rally twice! ouh, the spirit; it's haunting!
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on sunday, we celebrated one of my bestest bud's birthday. his fiance organised it to be a poolside bbq party. big mistake!

of course he got thrown in! there were few other casualties as well; like sani's phone. it's still out of commission at the time of publishing. we pretty much got everyone thrown in. those who didn't jump in, got thrown in. and those who didn't, either got pushed in or fell in. but i think, the boys had the most fun throwing yours truly in. i was soaked to the bone! and i'm quite layered. couldn't blame them. it was funny because i actually put up a good fight. i had six to seven people chasing, grabbing and carrying me off to the pool. i also got a few of them in with me. moral victory, should we say?

i haven't behaved in such a juvenile manner as that in a very long time. i thoroughly enjoyed it. good for the soul!
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safe to say, i had one of the best weekends for as long as i could remember. there was so much laughter that i was compelled to document it. i hope there'll be many more of these so that i could look back and read that my life was balanced and wholesome. thanks too to my fellow mouseketeers (yes, the three of you!).

if not for these people, where would i be? who, would i be? and i thank god for surrounding me with people such as these.

it's a dog...

...eat dog world.

this mind pondered how drastically life has evolved. it doesn't matter what story you spin, everyone's heard it. everybody knows it. there is no more barrier between you and the world. everything seems to be overexposed. but it is not, that the world is exposed to you. it is you that is exposed to the world. if it's the former, than you should be a fairly wise person.

when back in the day, a person stepping out of the house meant discovering the world. however today. the world; even that which you choose not to associate yourself with, has infiltrated your home. you now, have to protect your kids from elements that are accessible via the internet, television, etc.

you are thrust into a world where predators of all types are just waiting to pounce.

because of this, people are rarely surprised, amazed, impressed, or enlightened anymore. people in general, and myself included are becoming less and less sympathetic to others' predicament. people have less time to be compassionate, to be altruistic.

stop complaining! stop whinging and whining!
everyone's got their own sob story. just put your head down and get the job done!

and that job is to survive. you shall be left behind if you're not chasing for something. the gap between those who are hard and those who are soft is greater now. and it only seems to be getting wider. being street smart nowadays is not measured only just by how you get yourself out of trouble. today, it requires you to have sharpened predatory instincts and skills. the more ruthless you are, the more success you'll achieve. it is measure by the number that you've taken down, on your way up.

deny this as a truth at your own peril. there are lives that seemed content to just lay back. but as a phrase goes, "they have taken themselves out of the game". everywhere you turn, there is always something to darken the day. when before, you can at least smile and move on. now, you put on a smug face and move on.

it doesn't matter whether you're leading a life for yourself or for the future of your descendants. you have to be chasing. otherwise, you are a victim. admittedly, there are still advocates of noble causes. but them too, are slowly becoming extinct.

you must take the hit. you must just be smart enough to cover your face and balls while the world gives you a beating. just make sure that you can still breathe at the end of it until the next beating comes. speaking literally and metaphorically, of course.

perhaps, this perspective may be viewed as pessimistic or cynical. but a deep underlying conviction believes that it is actually taking a realistic view of the surroundings. yet, to survive and thrive, one must continue to be positive and creative. creativity and ruthlessness is the name of the game now.

victory in any battle regardless of size, counts. the war, which has begun may not know the meaning of "an end". hence, neither should we hope to seek for one. it is only likely to degenerate and deteriorate.

"a person stands even taller when he/she is kneeling down to help". how does one be that person? perhaps, there is no more room for the principled. may god bless the souls that try.

clock ticks away...

...but time doesn't seem to move. it feels like, a siege.

isn't that how it feels when you experience the emotions of regret, guilt, disappointment, betrayal, anger, humiliation, loss? you feel claustrophobic...like you can't see a way out.

as cliched and naive as this may sound, there is only one thing in this life that can make one feel like a million bucks or a grain of sand in the sahara. that same thing has the capability to turn one into a winner and a loser...overnight.

...i badly wanted to clasp my hand, and crush it in my palm.

it's a difficult world when one tries to live by values and principles. the only satisfying and perhaps consoling factor is that at the end of it all, one can say "i did it my way". what one compromises in pursuit of such ambitions in life challenges the validity of the very values and principles one tries to uphold. Can one live without the joys of life that are compromised by the values and principles which one believes offers the "ultimate" in life? that the capture of such a coveted prize supercedes the many other joys life could offer?

when one feels that one has become the victim of one's own values and principles, when doubt rears its ugly head, when one hasn't succeeded in achieving even the smallest of what those values and principles are meant to achieve, when one walks away feeling like a fool...

...one has to choose, which horse to back with one's last dollar? where now to place one's last remaining faith and trust. place it in the idea of change? or place it again on the values and principles?

...it was great while it lasted. only that, i never expected such fickleness.

perhaps, one's values and principles should include fickleness. at least in that way, you would be the one hurting rather than getting hurt. but then again, it's only pain. what doesn't kill you apparently only makes you stronger...

on this day...

...i despatch a prayer of thanks to my Maker and my makers.


i am: you, i have: a meaning, i sustain: the one cyclic process, i bring: good tidings, i hate: arrogance and ignorance, i emphasize: humility and reason, i understand: diversity in all forms, i see: similarities, i tolerate: imperfections, i lie: to myself, i seek: honesty, i treasure: solitude, i own: nothing, i control: everything, i commend: commitment and determination, i aspire: leadership by example, i prepare: for challenges, i communicate: in metaphorics, i play: to the crowd, i work: with limitations, i emphathize: humanity, i take: the bad and the good, i give: what i can, i abhor: homosexuality, i respect: knowledge and wisdom, i accept: miracles, i have: the unfailing ability to destroy the things i love, i fear: life, i brave: uncertainties, i welcome: death, i belittle: self-pity, i had: to choose, i enjoy: food, i appreciate: conversations, i love: women, i question: trust and reality, i scheme: the more you scheme, i hope: to be loved, i observe: to appreciate, i never: stop searching, i pause: to look, i look: at the issue, i don't: take sides, i advocate: balance, i like: to think, i create: ideas, i rest: in dreams, i explore: causes, approaches and results, i live: sacrifices, i honour: the blood that runs through me, i feel: fine, i want: time, i know: that which i don't know, i apologise: for hastiness, i step: in others' footsteps, i depend: on mercy, i'm made: from the past, i'm shaped: by the future, i believe: beyond god is god, i wait: for when night ceases to become day, i wish: to have things my way.