it's the kind of arrogance that's justified. he started out from very humble backgrounds. his grandparents were uneducated immigrants, who worked the land that they decided to call home. he, by all accounts, is a very successful man...distinguishingly successful. he toiled his way into the upper echelons of the corporate world. only to find, once there, that is not all that it's cracked up to be. the rewards that awaited him were not what he expected; in spite of him being fully deserving of it. and through all that, he still manages to hold on to his identity.
he has gone through a lot of trials and tribulations, personal and work.
he should be happy.
his beliefs on holding onto one's principles regardless of the circumstances have served him well; having taken him so far in life. at the same time, it's costed him many other things in life. for example, the simple joy of life by just being silly.
he's respected, influential and loved.
i aim to be like him. to ultimately achieve those three things in life. but i don't want to be exactly like him. i want to be able to find laughter in silly things too. the problem is, whilst i subscribe to the same thinking and perspective, i don't seem to have the will to practice it. i'm still struggling to be 'it'. maybe, that's why we can't seem to see eye-to-eye on most things.
he, is my father.
.................................................................................................if i lay here
what is a man if not for his principles?
the fundamentals of a person. you try so hard, yet, you don't seem to be getting anywhere near that.
it all boils back down to fundamentals, when it comes to making decisions. like choosing your next career move, life partner and so on, and so on.
fundamentals. fundamentals. fundamentals.
fun·da·men·tal [fuhn-duh-men-tl]
–adjective
1. serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.
2. of, pertaining to, or affecting the foundation or basis: a fundamental revision.
3. being an original or primary source: a fundamental idea.
4. Music. (of a chord) having its root as its lowest note. –noun
5. a basic principle, rule, law, or the like, that serves as the groundwork of a system; essential part: to master the fundamentals of a trade.
6. Also called fundamental note, fundamental tone. Music.
a. the root of a chord.
b. the generator of a series of harmonics.
7. Physics. the component of lowest frequency in a composite wave.
[Origin: 1400–50; late ME <>fundament, -al1] —Related forms
fun·da·men·tal·i·ty, fun·da·men·tal·ness, noun
fun·da·men·tal·ly, adverb
—Synonyms 1. indispensable, primary.
............................................................................................if i just lay here
the definition of fuhn-da-men-tl that i'm alluding to in this rambling belongs to the first category...serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.
am i measuring myself against what is fundamentally me? or the view of 'me' as i see it? am i fundamentally righteous? weak/strong? untrustworthy? superficial? ah...i don't know. perhaps, the constant doubt that i've been suffering from in turn, humbles me.
as opposed to my father who is fundamentally sound, which makes him a very humble man. his insistence on humility brings about a certain arrogance, consequently humbling a person, like me.
always be humble enough not to depend on anyone. always have the humility to seek understanding. always have the humility not to judge someone/something. you can never rely on anyone else but yourself. when you cannot rely on anyone, you lack that trust for someone. and without trust....
my independence came about as a result of not wanting to trust, or having to place a certain trust in others. i did that once, some time ago when i thought i was assured of my fundamentals. i let myself down. in the process, i let others down too.
instead of the refined assuredness that my father possess, my constant doubt of myself humbles me.
.............................................would you lie with me and just forget the world
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