beauty is in...

...the eye of the beholder.

my eyes roam, so my heart wanders. every now and then, it wanders back to you.
i sense that you do not want it. i get the feeling that it's not right. in the end, what's holding me back are merely sentiments.

i remember, being a bit too honest. maybe hoping, it would be paid in kind. still, you held the distance. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments. my eyes rest, on a lot of hope...when it rests on you. hope, that you will trust me. so, i persist. maybe, it's difficult for you to appreciate my honesty, because my frankness is strange to you. maybe you think, it's not as innocent as it appears.

i cannot lie.

several times, i glanced your way. watched you sleep. the strands of hair covering your face called out for me to push it back. i thought, not. quietly, you lay there. i wanted, to reach out and just hold your hand. again, i hesitated. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments.

i am not a bad person.

then again, maybe, i'm just not good enough...for you. my thoughts raced. did you listen? if you did, do you believe me? did you judge me? i told you, i cared. it's not something i would say, normally. senor cuervo may have pushed those words out my lips. at least, i'm certain that i care. of anything else, i know not.

you asked me, what you are doing wrong. i think i said, you're too scared. you neither negate nor affirm the perspective. perhaps, you think, there is some truth in that. i don't know why i said that. come to think of it, it probably applies more to me.

i am, too scared...to be seen as though taking advantage. too scared, to be viewed as just another one-of-those. too scared, to be told 'no'. too scared, to let another person down.

you are not wrong, to have a certain view of me. it is a view i've made public. and that is probably why you doubt me. i got to know you, through your sadness. i wonder, if you know me. even, want to get to know me.

maybe it's best, to protect the sentiments

...for now...

i will be here, when you come looking. i will be there, when you come a-calling.

...simply, because i care. if we can leave it, at that.

..................................................................................where did i go wrong, i lost a friend,

i've poked fun at you, many times. i know, you can take it. you are...resilient. you too, i got to know, through your sadness. i remember, when you cried. you, may not. i remember, the distressed tone in your voice when you called that particular morning. i remember, how you leaned on me.

i hope that now you've vowed eternal, you can lean comfortably when the need arises. and it may arise sooner than you think, as a consequence for saying that i sound like a woman in my blog!

lean baby, lean!

we do though, have to curb the kind of banter that we've been exchanging lately. strangely, it's making me uncomfortable. well, enough said.

.....................................................................................somewhere along in the bitterness,

there are very few, even amongst the ones that i care for, i can call a friend. i mean, we are all friends. i suppose, unlike some others, i don't have 'that friend'. i don't have that "bestest friend". actually, i once had. but, as life would have it, we grew apart. the good thing about us is that, we don't forget that friendship. he is about to be married. i'm sad that i am not chosen as the best man. nevertheless, salute!

you know a train, goes round a track. and along the way, it will make stops at various stations. well, a friend once described me as that train. i'm always moving; coming from somewhere, going somewhere else. and the stops, are the various lives that i've been privileged enough to step into. in some cases, pass through. but i have made, good friends.

once, i was asked, if i believe in 'the one' as opposed to 'finding the best fit, at that time'. perhaps, the answer is yes. the problem is, many that i meet are possibilities of 'the one'. the trouble is, how much do i care to test the hypothesis? i don't even have the methods of testing, properly established. so it remains, merely a hypothesis. some, were very pretty hypotheses.

........................................................................and i would have stayed up with you all night,

it feels like i need to stop moving. it may not be, the beginning of the year. but who is there to say when a beginning, should begin.

maybe, i will go to perhentian.
..........................................................................................had i known how to save a life.



"no one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend; but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end" – dan zadra