yesterday's a memory...

...today's a struggle, tommorow's an uncertainty.

nothing can be done about yesterday. hope we learn...the right lessons. everyday, you struggle to repress or retain yesterday, today. so that tommorow, you may have the strength to do the same, what you have done yesterday.

there is a strange desire to change/maintain yesterday for the belief that tommorow might just be different. tommorow always has a chance on being different.

i thought you'd be out of my mind,
and i'd finally found a way to,
learn to live without you,
i thought it was just a matter of time,
till i had a hundred reasons,
not to think about you...

not because yesterday was bad or ugly. at times, yesterday was just too good. so good that there's no way it could exist in any other way except as "yesterday". what can be done about today to make tommorow like yesterday?

...nothing.

nothing should be done but the desire to change that...it persists, and it persists.

i've still got your face,
painted on my heart,
scrawled upon my soul,
etched upon my memory, baby...

and when it gets difficult...

something in your eyes keeps haunting me,
i'm trying to escape you,
and i know there ain't no way to,
to chase you from my mind.

...a smile seems to make it all easier. hope you know.

turn off all...

...the lights,
let nothing come in between your eyes and mine,
take a deep breath baby,
inhale the sweet scent of this time,

why don’t you hush baby,
let me try to understand the language you speak,
and why don’t you just relax baby,
and enjoy me as a treat…

don’t be afraid, to hold me close,
and let me feel your heart racing,
don’t be afraid, to look for me,
cause i’ll be there waiting…

like i’ve promised you…

i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

i want to hear you cry, i want to see your tears flow,
i don’t want you to brace yourself; i just want to feel you let yourself go,
get burnt in the heat of passion, shiver in the lonesome cold,
and let the mystery of our future unfold…

and as you turn to the sky, seeking a force divine,
giving you strength to endure the pain, as excitement course through your veins,
you’ll know who you are, and learn who i am,
you haven’t loved me in vain…

i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

i want to hear you cry,
i want to see your tears flow,
i don’t want you to brace yourself; i just want to feel you let yourself go,
get burnt in the heat of passion, shiver in the lonesome cold,
and let the mystery of our future unfold…

and as you turn to the sky, seeking a force divine,
giving you strength to endure the pain, as excitement course through your veins,
you’ll know who you are, and learn who i am,
you haven’t loved me in vain…

so don’t be afraid, to hold me close,
and let me feel your heart racing,
and don’t be afraid, to look for me,
cause you know i’ll be there waiting…

like i’ve promised you…
i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

and,

when i take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
you’ll learn to rest in your dreams….

~written in march, 2004...re-written in march, 2008~

crossing the bridge...

...when you have come to it.

the railings and the planks that were there were very sturdy. the depth of the ravine, once measured, never needed measuring again. props to my peeps!

whilst the motivation was necessary it however, proved temporary...just enough though. the reasons still hold true. still, thank you.

it's different once on the other side. when before, most of the fears were imagined, now; it didn't seem so bad. it seems now, even, trivial. but with much humility, the appreciation of the trivial experience is beyond speech.

it's the type of experience that you acknowledge with a deliberate gulp in the throat, and a nod of the head...and you walk on. knowing, the many possibilities that there are to come.

the restrictions are still absent. the doors have been shut...that my deed is done. and with this, the keys are passed to you. decide...however long it shall remain that way.

the body's just a vehicle,
transporting the soul,
it's what's inside the people,
is the beauty to behold.

the steps that take you away from the bridge are weighed down by a sense of reconciliation. the appreciation of the experience has a way of humbling you. that, what may be right then and before, may not necessarily be right, forever.

it still is best, to protect the sentiments
...for now...
i will still be here when you come looking. i will still be there when you come a-calling.

consider this, the olive branch. if anything, for the brief moment of anxiety.

fear is in the eyes of the beholder,
love is in the presence of the lovemaker,
life is in the words of the comforter.

and as the wheel of time keeps on turning...

so too, may the steps of the journey to come are made lighter by your laughter.


"never mistake motion for action" - ernest hemingway

whilst calmly smoking...

...the cigarette, my leg is shaking frenetically.

there are always two choices. one is, to do. the other is, to not do. simple? hardly...

it's now five minutes to five in the morning. i can choose to, write this blog. or, choose to not.
damn, ideas were flowing right up to the second i picked up this laptop.

events in the last couple of weeks have really turned my life inside out. ah, dramatic? yes. too much hercule poirot, mon ami...why do i say this? it has brought to light some, very fundamental issues about life.

allow me, to begin...

one constant trait that i've exhibited during certain, uncertain situations in my life is that i tend to overthink. or rather, i'd like to view it as me practicing thinking things through. when situations are not, uncertain; my thorough-/over-thinking becomes more objective when it's about other people or other people's problems or impersonal (like work) issues.

another, constant trait i've also exhibited is to act impulsively. i use the word 'act' because it is put into action. i feel/think i need/want; and so, i do.

emotions are very strong drivers. one doesn't need to be a salesman or a politician to acknowledge that.

here's where it gets tricky. maybe, this is an illustration of what a dual personality is about. more of the geminian factor than the schizophrenic factor. that...these two traits manifests themselves at the same time.

really, i think i've yet to mature. both these traits reflect the volatility of youth rather than the stability of adulthood. "the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook" - william james. i still haven't developed the finesse of what and how to overlook or dismiss some things.

is it a problem? well, if there are always two sides of a coin...

the benefit of acting impulsively is that one tends to feel as though they are 'seizing the day'. living life. indulgence. you keep yourself happy. ha ha ha

i won't get into the difference between what merely thinking and overthinking is. it's sufficient to just take the literal definition. the benefit of overthinking is now, i think, more meaningful. when you do that, you get the broad picture of situations. you connect the dots. you look at specific occurrences and try to relate them to a bigger picture.

a person's behaviour in one instance may not adequately or accurately reflect one's values or intentions. it is over a trend of behaviour that can be taken as a basis for judgement. in short, you look for consistencies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i am now faced with a choice. to clarify or not to clarify.

so, is a discussion required?

it's eight minutes past seven. i've put two hours into this plus three sticks of cigarettes. gonna have to call in and let my dear boss know i'm gonna be late. i mean, later than usual. hahahahaha

"as far as your self control goes, as far goes your freedom" - marie von ebner eschenbach

the economics of...

...life.

there's always a trade off; somewhere, somehow.

the opportunity costs of a decision in life becomes easier to manage if you know what the ultimate objective is. in life, sometimes, you want to gain everything and do not want to lose anything. how?

how does one chase for the best of everything? how does one know that the probability is there? when it comes to facts and figures, it's easy. it is in fact, very impersonal. but what if it is personal? what if it is, an intimate matter? what about then?

this is worse than chess. i like the game, but i'm horrible at it. i understand it theoretically, but gravely lacking practice. i've chosen not to play it because i know i'm bad at it. the same can be said about life. there are things in life that you can choose to not participate in.

for example, the recent general elections. i did not participate, at all. means to say, i didn't vote. i chose to be ambivalent. i still do not fully understand the impact of the consequences of the election results in my life. i admit, i am not properly informed. worse still, i do not actively seek out the information. (that's a long-winded way of saying, i'm not bothered. it doesn't mean though, that i don't care).

a conversation with a friend brought up the topic of 'the impact of the election results on the inter-racial harmony within our immediate community'. surprisingly, i do listen. only that i articulate things in a different way. i thought about it. there is a valid reason for worrying. as human beings mature, we tend to lose the frankness we had as children. we learned how to put on a face. some individuals become really good at it. in front of us, with us; their behaviour is in a certain way. however, the genuineness of that behaviour becomes questionable when that individual behaves in a manner other than we expect them to. in turn, we become cautious and naturally put on a facade when we are next with that individual. it's a vicious cycle.

so, the trade off is that i'm no longer in the position to do anything until the next general election.

that "lost of frankness" becomes embedded in our personalities. the trait surfaces in other situations; in work, at home, in personal matters.

there are times when the trait itself becomes an issue. that, because of it, we are faced with a dilemma. whether to continue putting on that facade, or, to simply do away with it. because, the facade is coaxing us to make decisions that we do not truly want. the opportunity cost of a circumstance is then greatly distorted. matters are greatly aggravated because we now have to manoeuvre around that facade. the question of morality of the facade doesn't arise because the facade in itself is neutral. it is just, is. in fact, for some, it is necessary.

to break that facade with a renewed frankness brings about a certain and related, opportunity costs. the tangible and intangible costs. in certain circumstances, we are at times, even halted at the tangible cost.

apparently, it doesn't take much to break that facade. a misplaced, simple self-confession seemed sufficient.

how simple it is for one's judgement to be clouded. how simple it is, to be distracted. how simple it is, to jump to conclusions. how simple it is, to get excited. we forget sometimes, how fragile some things are. especially, things like a facade; reputation, credibility...trust.

there's a phrase that says, seek to understand then, to be understood. but if by seeking to understand alone is enough to cost you; where then, do you begin?

so, do i repair that facade? or do i continue to break through it? what can i expect to lose by either of my actions? is it even reparable? on what basis do i make my judgement if the ultimate objective is absent? well, maybe not exactly absent. more like, the ultimate objective is itself not properly established.

did i mention i'm distracted?

it's easy to...

...miss something that you're not looking out for.

why am i so kan cheong about all this?

am listening to james morrison's "you give me something"...

you only stay with me in the morning
you only hold me when I sleep
<don't know how these first two lines are relevant>
i was meant to tread the water
but now I've gotten in too deep

for every piece of me that wants you
another piece backs away

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might know my heart

you only waited up for hours
just to spend a little time alone with me
and I can say I've never bought you flowers
i can't work out what they mean

i never thought that I'd love someone
that was someone else's dream

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might call you from my heart

but it might be a second too late
and the words that I could never say
are gonna come out anyway

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might know my heart


ah, i feel so foolish. really...but i suppose i don't care. i'm just gonna vent it here. i need to reflect. a friend was telling me that this is good for me. it means that i'm alive again. if this is only fleeting, then i pray that it fleets away fast. cos i don't wanna know what price i'm gonna have to pay for this. but if it's not...how would i know? hahaha do i want to know?

i feel like laughing at myself because dah kantoi! hahahahahahaha (i must learn how to put my posts on private mode) hahahahaha arghh...hahahahaha

ok, that was good. i mean, i had a good laugh although it was at the expense of myself.

his arrogance is...

...humbling.


it's the kind of arrogance that's justified. he started out from very humble backgrounds. his grandparents were uneducated immigrants, who worked the land that they decided to call home. he, by all accounts, is a very successful man...distinguishingly successful. he toiled his way into the upper echelons of the corporate world. only to find, once there, that is not all that it's cracked up to be. the rewards that awaited him were not what he expected; in spite of him being fully deserving of it. and through all that, he still manages to hold on to his identity.

he has gone through a lot of trials and tribulations, personal and work.

he should be happy.

his beliefs on holding onto one's principles regardless of the circumstances have served him well; having taken him so far in life. at the same time, it's costed him many other things in life. for example, the simple joy of life by just being silly.

he's respected, influential and loved.

i aim to be like him. to ultimately achieve those three things in life. but i don't want to be exactly like him. i want to be able to find laughter in silly things too. the problem is, whilst i subscribe to the same thinking and perspective, i don't seem to have the will to practice it. i'm still struggling to be 'it'. maybe, that's why we can't seem to see eye-to-eye on most things.

he, is my father.

.................................................................................................if i lay here

what is a man if not for his principles?
the fundamentals of a person. you try so hard, yet, you don't seem to be getting anywhere near that.

it all boils back down to fundamentals, when it comes to making decisions. like choosing your next career move, life partner and so on, and so on.

fundamentals. fundamentals. fundamentals.

fun·da·men·tal [fuhn-duh-men-tl]

–adjective
1. serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.
2. of, pertaining to, or affecting the foundation or basis: a fundamental revision.
3. being an original or primary source: a fundamental idea.
4. Music. (of a chord) having its root as its lowest note. –noun
5. a basic principle, rule, law, or the like, that serves as the groundwork of a system; essential part: to master the fundamentals of a trade.
6. Also called fundamental note, fundamental tone. Music.
a. the root of a chord.
b. the generator of a series of harmonics.
7. Physics. the component of lowest frequency in a composite wave.
[Origin: 1400–50; late ME <>fundament, -al1] —Related forms
fun·da·men·tal·i·ty, fun·da·men·tal·ness, noun
fun·da·men·tal·ly, adverb
—Synonyms 1. indispensable, primary.

............................................................................................if i just lay here

the definition of fuhn-da-men-tl that i'm alluding to in this rambling belongs to the first category...serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.

am i measuring myself against what is fundamentally me? or the view of 'me' as i see it? am i fundamentally righteous? weak/strong? untrustworthy? superficial? ah...i don't know. perhaps, the constant doubt that i've been suffering from in turn, humbles me.

as opposed to my father who is fundamentally sound, which makes him a very humble man. his insistence on humility brings about a certain arrogance, consequently humbling a person, like me.

always be humble enough not to depend on anyone. always have the humility to seek understanding. always have the humility not to judge someone/something. you can never rely on anyone else but yourself. when you cannot rely on anyone, you lack that trust for someone. and without trust....

my independence came about as a result of not wanting to trust, or having to place a certain trust in others. i did that once, some time ago when i thought i was assured of my fundamentals. i let myself down. in the process, i let others down too.

instead of the refined assuredness that my father possess, my constant doubt of myself humbles me.

.............................................would you lie with me and just forget the world

beauty is in...

...the eye of the beholder.

my eyes roam, so my heart wanders. every now and then, it wanders back to you.
i sense that you do not want it. i get the feeling that it's not right. in the end, what's holding me back are merely sentiments.

i remember, being a bit too honest. maybe hoping, it would be paid in kind. still, you held the distance. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments. my eyes rest, on a lot of hope...when it rests on you. hope, that you will trust me. so, i persist. maybe, it's difficult for you to appreciate my honesty, because my frankness is strange to you. maybe you think, it's not as innocent as it appears.

i cannot lie.

several times, i glanced your way. watched you sleep. the strands of hair covering your face called out for me to push it back. i thought, not. quietly, you lay there. i wanted, to reach out and just hold your hand. again, i hesitated. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments.

i am not a bad person.

then again, maybe, i'm just not good enough...for you. my thoughts raced. did you listen? if you did, do you believe me? did you judge me? i told you, i cared. it's not something i would say, normally. senor cuervo may have pushed those words out my lips. at least, i'm certain that i care. of anything else, i know not.

you asked me, what you are doing wrong. i think i said, you're too scared. you neither negate nor affirm the perspective. perhaps, you think, there is some truth in that. i don't know why i said that. come to think of it, it probably applies more to me.

i am, too scared...to be seen as though taking advantage. too scared, to be viewed as just another one-of-those. too scared, to be told 'no'. too scared, to let another person down.

you are not wrong, to have a certain view of me. it is a view i've made public. and that is probably why you doubt me. i got to know you, through your sadness. i wonder, if you know me. even, want to get to know me.

maybe it's best, to protect the sentiments

...for now...

i will be here, when you come looking. i will be there, when you come a-calling.

...simply, because i care. if we can leave it, at that.

..................................................................................where did i go wrong, i lost a friend,

i've poked fun at you, many times. i know, you can take it. you are...resilient. you too, i got to know, through your sadness. i remember, when you cried. you, may not. i remember, the distressed tone in your voice when you called that particular morning. i remember, how you leaned on me.

i hope that now you've vowed eternal, you can lean comfortably when the need arises. and it may arise sooner than you think, as a consequence for saying that i sound like a woman in my blog!

lean baby, lean!

we do though, have to curb the kind of banter that we've been exchanging lately. strangely, it's making me uncomfortable. well, enough said.

.....................................................................................somewhere along in the bitterness,

there are very few, even amongst the ones that i care for, i can call a friend. i mean, we are all friends. i suppose, unlike some others, i don't have 'that friend'. i don't have that "bestest friend". actually, i once had. but, as life would have it, we grew apart. the good thing about us is that, we don't forget that friendship. he is about to be married. i'm sad that i am not chosen as the best man. nevertheless, salute!

you know a train, goes round a track. and along the way, it will make stops at various stations. well, a friend once described me as that train. i'm always moving; coming from somewhere, going somewhere else. and the stops, are the various lives that i've been privileged enough to step into. in some cases, pass through. but i have made, good friends.

once, i was asked, if i believe in 'the one' as opposed to 'finding the best fit, at that time'. perhaps, the answer is yes. the problem is, many that i meet are possibilities of 'the one'. the trouble is, how much do i care to test the hypothesis? i don't even have the methods of testing, properly established. so it remains, merely a hypothesis. some, were very pretty hypotheses.

........................................................................and i would have stayed up with you all night,

it feels like i need to stop moving. it may not be, the beginning of the year. but who is there to say when a beginning, should begin.

maybe, i will go to perhentian.
..........................................................................................had i known how to save a life.



"no one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend; but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end" – dan zadra