i have arrived...

...at the crossroads with the roundabout. the signboards are slightly obscure.

from afar, i can read it somewhat but it doesn't seem to mean anything to me at the moment. i only slowed down about 50 meters approaching the crossroads. typical me, i was speeding. now, i've slowed down so much almost coming to a halt. well, at least, the rules say i should stop and look before getting onto the roundabout.

oh, but wait. this is probably the umpteenth time i've approached this same crossroad. and everytime i'm on the road in the direction of the roundabout, i seem to speed. impatient and excited, to make my choice.

yet, time and time again, i would go round the roundabout several times and eventually, find myself on the road in the direction where i came from. and i would take that time to think things over, and over again. re-evaluating my choices, my destination and re-deciding. sometimes, it's the same decision that i've made in the previous round.

i would usually make my decision in, well, under forced circumstances. i say it's "forced circumstances" because if i ever want to have anymore chances at other things in life, i cannot miss the 'u-turn' that leads me back to the crossroads with the roundabout.

whether the decision, which i've made is the correct one...well, i guess it's obvious looking from the number of times i've gone around the crossroads and the u-turn.

not that going back the way i came from is not an option. it's the most familiar route. i know my way around. i know each and every pothole and bumps in the road. i know the shortcuts.
perhaps, i'm just done with this neighbourhood. i don't mean to sound like a big fish in a small pond. but there's a lot more out there. i've visited those other neighbourhoods.

...once again, i've arrived at the crossroads with the roundabout. only this time, i've made the u-turn without a choice of directions i want to take. i know, going round the roundabout will be a futile exercise. i might as well make a u-turn and go back to the way i came from. give myself more time to think.

however, i am pulled into trying a certain direction. something is building me up to take a risk, a leap of faith. but how do i know that this time it's motivated by something real and not just another whim or fancy?

how does anybody know? perhaps, knowing this which i don't know, should make me not be so hurried to decide. oh, and did i mention that the map's no good?

"our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" - shakespeare

the new world...

...promises a multitude of possibilities.

and that's where i'm headed.

a place where there's sympathy for the privileged. and a harsh word for the forsaken. a place where regrets can be forgiven and second chances are in abundance.

a place where seizing the day is admired and chivalry is not dead. where impeccable mannerisms are a virtue and innocence is a choice.

a place where softly spoken words resound so greatly when it carries a tune of truth.

a place, where real love is felt in whatever way, shape or form it's shown.

idealistic? naive? yes, yes...undeniably.

but that is the part of youth that i still hang on to so dearly.

it's been 15 days into the new year. nothing has changed. except, maybe, a view of the future. right now, for this year, i want to achieve, both my private and public victories. will it change tomorrow? i hope not.

there are things and ends that i cannot consciously seek. they are things or ends, that come as a consequence of a series of interconnected events. it is time that i trigger that series of related events. that, i can do consciously.

and through it all, i intend to maintain my four-walled fortress.
credibility,
integrity,
sincerity
and love.

may god help me.
no more playing a role. no more, geminian conflict. no more, confusion in the comfort of loneliness.

if i have to stand alone against an amy of dissenters, well, so be it. one thing i am certain of myself is that i fight. i will fight, fall, and still get up and fight. but all i've done is fight. for what? now, i cannot say for certain.

somehow, i'm tired of fighting. but there are not that many sides of me which i can rely on. fighting is perhaps the only thing i know how to do. i seem want to defy everything. even if it means hurting myself. hahahaha...a fine mess.

and i want people to fight with me, for me. are my ideals too selfish? do my ideals require such a great sacrifice? can i choose to change my ideals? can i be something other than me?
or do i defend it? to the death even! are they worth dying for? more importantly, are they worth living for?

my Utopia.

...if i may, a moment of self-reflection.
this whole thread doesn't seem to make much sense. self doubt or lack of confidence or low self-esteem? hahahahaha

i shall sail this damaged ship into the new world. i shall navigate it through the rough seas and unfamiliar ports. i shall overcome the threats of pirates.

oh burn, and burn,
ye blaze of glory!
lead the way in the unforgiving night.

oh bright, and bright,
ye blaze of glory!
reflect thy bloody sword through a ferocious fight.

oh scream, and screech,
ye blaze of glory!
cry the demise of a comfortable life.

it's my pleasure...

...to make your acquaintance.

again.

you and i look like we can be very good friends. we share similar history and experiences. but our outlook do differ slightly. we've tended to disagree on many occasions. and, more often than not, i've given in to your arguments. that has been mainly because your desires seemed very much stronger than mine. and i for one, will never let anyone be deprived for any taste of life. such hedonistic principles? well, to each his own.

but this is where it stops. i cannot ignore my needs and desires anymore. i cannot let you have your way all the time. i will now compete for my time in the spotlight.

you and i are approaching our third decade in life. somehow, life is not how we imagined it to be at this point in life. i don't think we are behaving as how people our age should be. i know at least, we agree on that.

for the past month or so, i have immersed myself in my job. i've tried to distract myself. it has worked somewhat. also, all the driving and travelling has been good. it has given me back some of the belief in life which i've lost for awhile.

i surrounded myself with people who didn't mind having me around. not too sure if they wanted to but for certain, they didn't mind. and for that, i thank you.it seemed that the only way to return some semblance of normality back into my life is by making friends with myself again. my dear friend was right. pursue it until you exhaust yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. i did everything a man in my position could possibly do. and i did it sincerely. now, i have no regrets.

...and then,



she called.


only then i realised how much i've missed her. i admit, i was very much overwhelmed. but i also heard her deliberate non-acknowledgement of my feelings from the lack of response to them.

i understood.

i can only allow myself to reiterate that i love or loved her so. i don't know myself. but i have to now not think about it until i really have to. who? it doesn't matter now really....i cannot, now, return to what i was. now, i have to grow. i have to be what my mind and my heart has been telling me how i should be. i have to embark on that journey that i have held myself back for so long.

but this ship is damaged. it's got a torn sail, a hole in the hull and lacking a navigator. still, those unfamiliar seas have to be charted. along the way, some might be lost. i have to prepare myself for that. but the discovery must be made.

and along the way, as i port for provisions, i know i will have some strangers as passengers who'd want to hitch a ride. maybe they will become friends, maybe just acquaintances. or maybe, they will remain as strangers.


what exciting times lie ahead.

i have been...

...weighed, and measured. and i have been found... wanting.

increasingly, i find solace in my thoughts. and how deeply, i retreat into its comforting words.

if i could ask in earnest, i would ask for the moon to cease moving. so that the night will last forever. and so shall your beauty which i behold in my dreams.

i have missed you like the flower missing the sun, whilst the darkness of night reigned over. yet, i have seen many moons accompany the stars. still, i have not seen your face. and many suns have i long counted, to the day that your smile shall be cast upon me.

love, my love...
should end in hope. and hope is what shall take me to you.

and so i have been weighed,
and measured.
and i have been found,


...wanting.

if i leave...

...you behind, will i meet somebody new?

can i leave my prejudices and bad memories too? i'd rather travel light...perhaps with just a bundle of choice principles, which i can sling over my shoulders on a stick that i can carry into the future.

but if i can't go into the future without a past, can i just, at least...leave the hurt behind. i'll take the loneliness with me...maybe if i wrap it up nicely, i can give it away as a gift.

...that's probably how negotiations would go if i could negotiate for a new beginning.

will the new me be better than the old me? or would it just be a variation of the same bad apple? can i navigate in uncharted seas with a broken ship and a torn sail?

the anxiety is not due to insufficient capacity, it's more because of lack of desire. do i want to change? why wouldn't i want to?

...that may be because i kind of like who i am now. and i know that there are other people who like me the way i am. of course, it's evident that there are facets of me that are just as unlikeable. hence, this whole dilemma.

i hope matters will reveal itself in the coming year...it's what i do in the meantime that is well, putting me on edge. perhaps, if i simply not worry?

ah, that's another worry. not a good start to the "not worrying' philosophy, huh?

"when you're through changing, you're through" - bruce barton