going for broke...

...in everything we do.

and i think today, i've just lost the lot.
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this is the...

…second time we’ve moved out.

the first time had that hint, dare i say threat, of leaving. but it turned out to be a false alarm. we moved out to only a stone’s throw away. this time though, it’s for real. then again, prior to where we were living, we moved around a lot. i remember being part of half of the moving. we were in a different state for several years. so, i’m quite perplexed as to the shock my body is experiencing from the move this time. and, not like i wasn’t told or given a chance to say my piece.

i think i’ve been under a certain kind of emotional disorientation ever since that decision to move was made. and now, i can admit that i was clearly in denial. though i couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on but my emotions lead my actions. i spent almost every night with my friends this last one month. though it’s the holy month, and i should’ve spent it at the mosque praying (in hindsight, that’s probably the right thing to do), yet i would be out for good, 2 to 3, sometimes 4 hours a night just drinking and chilling with my friends. no, not friends. family.
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it was heavy…weighed down by a lifetime of memories. all my life, i’ve only known this place.

it has grown into more than just a post code, more than just a house, a playground, the neighbourhood corner shop, a school, etc. over the years, it grew into that place where i fell running chasing after a football when i was nine; that place where i bust up my knee trying my hand at skateboarding when i was fifteen; that corner of the street when I flirted with the girl from that street after mine at 16; it grew into that place where I found an almost full pack of dunhill reds and experimented with cigarettes, and got addicted thank you very much. it grew into that place where the kitten i just found shat in my hands. that kitten eventually became my pet, cici iii. it grew into that place where I first got my license and crashed my car the first time. and it also became. it became that time when i used to gorge down three whole chickens after school 3 times a week; it became that time when i would rendezvous with my best friends to just hang out knowing that our parents would kill us if they ever found out; it became that moment when we shared a laughter over something which i can’t remember what now, but it was really funny because i remembered we laughed so, so hard. and then, there was that time i got into a fist fight just because my friend was jumped. and, of course, it became that time when i splashed hot water at my mother when she came to visit for the very first time (in seven years) after their divorce. there were also those times when i kissed, when i lied, when i cheated, when i listened, when i struggled. it became that time when i left as a child and came back clueless. it grew to become that place in my life.

and my life grew to become in that place.

i’ve always been known, even introduced myself as the guy from this side of town. everywhere else outside the four walls of this valley starting from jalan semantan, pj, mrr2 toll penchala and bukit damansara/bangsar/kiara; seemed like a different country. i knew not; the roads, the air and the people. but within this valley, i knew everything and everyone. even when in school, I spoke with slightly different english; always had that different point of view; couldn’t really get down with the boys at school because i didn’t go to the same tuition place, or played truant at the same snooker centre, didn’t stalk the same girls as them and didn’t understand the inside jokes. i often drew that certain reaction from people whenever i mentioned where I lived. although i waited at the same bus stop as them, yet, when the number 21c intrakota bus came, I was the only one to get on it. the others boarded the number 20 or 23 pink minibuses.

i insisted that i didn’t want to be chauffeured back and forth to school anymore. i reasoned that at that age i should be doing things for myself and that i wanted to be independent. when in fact, i just wanted to be able to hang out with the mates after school, to do things that a normal kid would do while waiting for the public bus, like whistle at the girls as they passed by, lepak at mamaks, smoke cigarettes in the alley behind the primary school and so forth. apparently, that’s where my miseducation started. and rightfully, i became independent.

but as soon as I stepped off the bus, everything changed. here, even strangers seemed like family. and they still do.

i’ve always said, i’m a budak kampung. and ttdi/damansara is my kampung. kampung, not in the sense of wooden houses with attap roofs and washing by the well; as opposed to living in brick houses in the concrete jungle of the city. but “kampung” in the sense of blinkered perspective with a certain air of complacency in the comfort of the surroundings.

remote.
removed.
detached.

so, making this move has been one of the hardest steps in my life, just like every other time i had to say goodbye. For “it”, was the only home i ever knew.
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and almost every night i fought, quarreled or had a cold-war with my dear dad. i didn’t help with the packing at all. and i just only managed to clear my room and my stuff. i don’t blame him for being angry. i was wrong. unfortunately, it is that plain and simple. but, i was in denial. i mean, the fasting and my laziness just made it all that easier to not pack. or actually, more like not accepting the fact that i’m leaving….

this time, like those other times, my emotions overwhelmed me when i had to say goodbye (only this time, i didn’t rationalize it as saying goodbye). perhaps i’m known to be slightly melodramatic, which i can be at times. what i mean by saying goodbye, is not the kind where “yeah, i’ll see you later” kind of goodbye. but the kind that you know you are saying it because there is as much a probability that you will never meet again. it usually happens with other persons; the saying goodbye. this time, it’s saying goodbye to a life.

you know, i’ve always had this nagging memory. i remember when i was six years old, i just came back from a trip to indonesia. wow. but none of my family members came along. only me and arwah nenek (our maid for a life time too. yes, i cried when we sent her to the airport. hey man, she was with the family even before me. so, go figure). i was playing, like any other six years olds are wont to do; when i was called to the living room. all that happened was, my dad standing to my left, and my mom came rushing at me and barraged me with kisses and hugs while being teary-eyed. she wasn’t crying. that, i remember. but she must have been because her eyes were as red as the evening sun. i, was, confused. i didn’t move, i didn’t react, and i didn’t hug back nor kissed back. i just, stood there. when she was done, and this is the part that has nagged me throughout; i continued standing there but i was thinking, why? what’s happening? is…she…leaving? and then, i turned around and ran up upstairs to resume playing.

perhaps i haven’t stopped playing. whenever i’m asked, if the divorced has affected me, my textbook answer is “i was too young to understand when it happened and now, i’m too old to care”. such is life…. i’ve already figured out why i went to indonesia then. they didn’t want me around during the final divorce proceedings. well, ok. they were considerate i suppose. i’m not sure if the outcome would’ve been different if i was there to witness it. but, i didn’t cry. i was being said goodbye to, to a wholesome family. being six years old, i probably should have bawled my eyes out. instead, i just stood there, frozen.

now, i’m saying goodbye again, to another life; to a life i’ve known all along. and some things don’t change like me handling this as badly as when i was a six years old.
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shit, i probably should get back out there and help these movers carry the stuff out.

damn, they're done.

i'm not running...

...oh, i'm not hiding.

if you dig a little deeper, you will find me.

i'm not lost, i'm not lost, just undiscovered
we're never alone we're all the same as each other
you see the look that's on my face you might think im out of place
i'm not lost, no no, just undiscovered.

the rest of the lyrics below...
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i look at you, you bite your tongue
i don't know why or where i'm coming from
and in my head i'm close to you
we're in the rain still searching for the sun
you think that i wanna run and hide i'll keep it all locked up inside
i just want you to find me

i'm not lost, i'm not lost, just undiscovered
and when we're alone we are all the same as each other
you see the look that's on my face
you might think im out of place
im not lost, no no, just undiscovered

well the time it takes to know someone
it all can change before you know it's gone (for it's gone)
so close your eyes and feel the way i'm with you now believe theres nothing wrong (nothing wrong)
you think that i wanna run and hide i'll keep it all locked up inside
i just want you to find me

i'm not running, oh, i'm not hiding,
if you dig a little deeper you will find me,

i'm not lost, im not lost, just undiscovered
we're never alone we're all the same as each other
you see the look that's on my face you might think im out of place
i'm not lost, no no, just undiscovered
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everybody's gotta learn...

...sometime.

from eternal sunshine on a spotless mind by beck.
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change your heart
look around you
change your heart
it will astound you
i need your lovin'
like the sunshine

everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime

change your heart
look around you
change your heart
will astound you
i need your lovin'
like the sunshine

everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime

i need your lovin'
like the sunshine
everybody's gotta learn sometime

everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime

everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime
everybody's gotta learn sometime

everybody's gotta learn sometime

so, i just...

....thought about this, right; as a result of talking to a mate about his new mouse, which he uses on his laptop.

it's pretty cool. it's wireless, naturally. and the mouse connects to the laptop via a device attached to it. this mate impressed upon me that the device's transmission/reception has a rather good physical distance.

since the device is new to us, we were figuring out why there exist such a feature. it crossed our minds to ask; to what purpose would a mouse and a laptop be at such a distance? then, it strucked me that maybe it's not merely enhancing an existing capability. rather, to offer a new feature. so i immediately attempted to relate it to my working experience.

and what i found, was this idea i'm about to share with you. yes. yes. it may not be so new. but i figured it out myself by stretching my imagination to something that resembles a disclosure.

the first scene that unveiled itself is this scenario where a person is giving a presentation from his laptop with that device attached. he's standing beside the screen looking at the audience seated, in a boardroom arrangement. his presentation is interrupted because the ceo interjected him by asking a question about the business projection figures he has up. as the ceo is doing so, several rows in the document are highlighted for all to see. and he continues his comments ending with an expectant pause and a quick look around.

a vp, two rows down to the right in an oval shaped boardroom table, thinking that this is his time to shine; asks permission to have the mouse. the ceo merely slides it to him on the polished mahogany so that it halts gently in his anticipating palm. he takes control. he highlights and unhighlights, he clicks and unclicks; all the while rambling on to the entire room with what he thinks is the most correct response to the ceo's question.

although he is at a distance away from the laptop, he is able to point out the exact evidence to his response from the displayed document. he is does this by using that particular mouse to specifically identify the erroneous figure and demonstrate a correction.

gone are the days of the red laser pointer.
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imagine now, when the same vp is responding to the ceo's question, he doesn't ask for the mouse. yet, he's able to do all the things he did in the first scenario. how?

and lets just say a colleague of his from across the table disagrees with him. and she nonchalantly proceeds to demonstrate her own response to the question. also without asking for the mouse, as she would've needed to do in the first scenario. how?

they both have their own mouse. in fact, all those seated at the oval shaped table, each have their own. and they're all connected via bluetooth to that one, same device attached to the laptop.

not bad, huh?

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stretching our imaginations even further, replace the mouse that they each have with a touchscreen mobile phone. for story's sake, the apple iphone. with the green, pick up button acting as the left click on the mouse and the red, hang up button acts as the right click on the mouse.

and they're all connected via bluetooth or a similar technology.

the phone has a keypad/board right? it can double up as a portable mouse and keyboard.

that would be a sight, huh?

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you can apply such a technology in classrooms, whilst teleconferencing, and a host of other like-activities.

cool.

merdeka, merdeka? merdeka...

....

these words were uttered sometime 51 years ago by a man, and echoed by a nation. they believed. they believed in something very promising, greater than their imaginations can take them. they could see the high in the bud. they had, a vision.

a vision that our leaders today are failing to illustrate. a vision that our leaders today, are failing to translate into our minds, body and soul. into our belief. martin luther king jr started his historic speech with the words, "i had a dream...". so did our forefathers. they had a dream. do we share in this dream? the point is, as a nation, we must. but the question is, do we? we seem to parade around a day every year, with catchy slogans and patriotic songs, as though we do.

with the current political and socioeconomic landscape, are we really merdeka? i could easily use the word "independence". somehow, the english-equivalent doesn't quite capture the meaning of merdeka.

but, what does it mean? do we know what that dream was? and is it still is?

as always, in the run-up to the merdeka celebrations, various broadcast media will do a round of "what does merdeka mean to you?" (you here, being the man-on-the-street). no different this year. again, i have failed to pay much attention to the responses given as what really caught me, time and again, is the question.

really, what is that question actually asking? what is it that we celebrate every year when 31st of august comes? are we celebrating a historical event? is it simply then, a remembrance? are we celebrating the fact that we do not have someone else, who wasn't even born on this land; dictating our fate? i have lost sight of the purpose of these last few merdeka celebrations.

to me, merdeka is a state of being.

fine, our forefathers fought for it and won. we should never forget that. but now that we have it, what of it? does having it mean to us as much as it meant for them to fight so hard for it? to fight to the death even! are we going to be the generation that squanders it? as they say, to be chasing the leader is easier than to be leading the pack. does the same apply? was it easier to fight to be merdeka than to inherit it and remain, merdeka?

it took me to be away from this country to really appreciate what it is to be merdeka and what the words of the national anthem mean (at least to me). and every year after, i often find that i tell myself the same things. when the 31st of august comes around, merdeka day reminds me that i am born free. that, the little piece of land that i was born on, is mine. at least a monkey's breadth's worth. that ownership doesn't mean that the dirt is mine. it signifies that i have been born with the divine privilege to dictate my own. when it comes down to it, will i be willing - to pick arms and face my enemy face to face to defend what is mine? to defend, what was fought for me by my forefathers. someday, this monkey's breadth's worth of land will be stood on by others. by my descendants. do i not want them to be born free? free to be a slave only to their own dreams and desires and no others? is it fair for me turn around and say that i didn't ask for this? could i imagine the alternative? to have been born under the whim of others? am i capable, of defending it? will others join me and defend this together?

there exist a deep sense of loyalty within myself and amongst my contemporaries. that, i dare not believe otherwise. but it is increasingly appearing to be, pointless. futile. yet, we must strive, we must care. such indifference and non-chalance should not be accepted because to behave in that way would then really mean that we are ungrateful. just plain ungrateful.

there isn't an age nor time in the continuous thread of history that no society had not had its struggles. perhaps, the struggle of my age and time is that, to once again, rekindle that flame of desire and freedom. so that there may be, in the history of my merdeka, that the dreams of which i hold so dear, will be realised.

i may not be remembered as the first peoples to start that dream, nor might i be remembered as the person to realise it. i will however, be remembered as the generations of people who kept that dream alive. to be responsible for the character and heart of those people who will eventually realise that dream.
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the fasting month.

it is very telling that the celebration of a nation's struggles is followed by a time when each indivdual is compelled to reflect and face struggles of their own. how we endure and how resilient we will be in the face of these challenges, will all be up to us only.

funny. i've never really looked at it from this point of view but really, the fasting month is a challenge to us all. and not just to the muslims but also to the non-muslims. how they will have to be sensitive to the needs and demands of the muslims. and to us, how we must compromise and yet deliver the best we can under disadvantaged circumstances.

really, this act of fasting, is all of life's intricacies and idiosyncracies broken down to its very bare and basic, form.

being here, being alive; we will continuously ask the eternal question of why? why do we exist? the answer will forever elude us. yet, we continue to ask. in the meantime, for us who want to give this "living" a shot, we cannot deny that life has its

demands
challenges
rules
consequences

these exist in everything. from getting through the fasting month, to succeeding in careers and to building a nation. i do not know what to call this. but whatever it is, it has never been put in such a perspective. that the struggles of a nation is the struggles of the individual.
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merdeka! merdeka! merdeka!

wandering and wondering...

...while making the brief journey home, on foot. as the feet wove its way along the familiar route, the mind took time out to play, and the heart, indulged.

liberated.

so, the wandering began with you. ignorance is bliss when it's in totality. partial ignorance is a torture! sometimes consequences are etched in stone regardless of the action taken. that's probably fate...that at that juncture in life, one is forced to take a certain route. what choice does the mind have? it's a futile process to try to change the inevitable. if what was expected was done, would things have been different?

some say that one can only know after one has tried. but what if the outcome remains the same? worse, what if the situation is aggravated? could one really sit back and assure one's self that one has done everything one could to take control of one's destiny? and leave the situation feeling at peace?

it is that, that which seems to elude us most of the time. that feeling of being at peace, at whatever consequences.

some say, that for one to achieve such a harmony of mind and heart, one should only undertake something that one has very well thought through as humanly possible. and leave the unexpected as what it is...the unexpected.

yet, if one were to subscribe to such philosophy all the time, then where has gone the spirit to sieze the day?

will you forgive me for trying?

it feels very much like searching in the dark with your eyes blindfolded. the amount of effort that one puts into ascertaining and determining what is what is draining. it is especially challenging when one doesn't know what one is searching for.

living life is like searching for the light switch in the dark. when one does not have the right education (academic and non-academic), it will be like searching for something in the dark blindfolded. with the right education, it will be 'in the dark, minus the blindfold'. that is the difference. but what's important is that one knows what it is that one is searching for.

throughout that search, one will come across many disappointments. but that is expected. for the reward of finding the right light swith is indescribable. the first and foremost is to know what it is that one is searching for. then, comes the courage to search for it, knowing the situation and the perils that lie ahead.

with every wrong light switch, it will illuminate one's way to the correct light switch.

seek and thou shalt find.
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do i already know you? can i guess which lightswitch you are? should i switch it on anyway? or should i presume and continue on; in hope that i will find the right lightswitch just next to you?
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but now...the feet will rest, the mind will work and the heart, will abstain.

i'm wondering about you, and wandering towards you.

apparently, sexual relations...

...with a slave is permissable in a certain religion. that is, if a certain gentleman is to be believed.

a three-hour and a week long debate ensued. although the outcome of the debate is not very important but purely for the record; no, this particular religion does not allow sexual relations with a slave. furthermore, slavery is banned. what is more important is how the debate transpired.

there are two basic ways of getting your point across.
one, is to state the point and then, defend it.
two, is to gradually reveal all the rationales/justifications and then, state the point.

the former is a more western (if one may be allowed such categorisation) way. it is the more direct, straight-to-the-point way. whilst the latter, is the more eastern way of presenting a point.

it is the clash of these two cultures that caused the most miscommunication or misunderstanding during the debate, which then caused it to drag on for a whole week.
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a little bit more on these debating cultures. the second form of argument/reasoning is considered to be more cultured, to be more, subtle. by gradually revealing every singular justification/sub-point to the audience (opposition), the speaker is allowing the idea of the point to form in the audience's mind. in a formal debate, the conclusion or the kill move will be the actual argument/point itself. this type of point/argument presentation has greater value in a social/informal setting.

it is so because by gradually forming the point/argument in the audience's mind, the speaker is allowing the audience to reach the conclusion i.e. the point of the argument on their own. this, in the more eastern cultures is a show of respect for the audience. typically, it is respecting the audience's intelligence, wisdom, age or standing in society/community.

and, by allowing the audience to conclude on their own, there is a possibility that the debate/negotiations can be cut short.

more often than not, those who are more familiar with the western way of debating, will find the second form slightly long-winded. no doubt. but this, can be likened to defeating your opponent by not even unsheathing your sword but simply by showing it. if the sheath of the sword is impressive enough, it will indicate to the opponent of the kind of skill, power or backing one beholds.

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this is a more significant problem than most people might figure. it underlies basic rules of communication. especially, in the corporate world where the more western form of corporate governance that requires a more direct, straight-to-the-point form of communication; is the adopted culture. and, to have that imposed on a culture that raises its young on subtlety in action and layered speech; suppose one could imagine the chemistry.

as it slithers...

...across the rough surface, its skin continues to rip until it has completely shed its skin.

the snake shed its skin in one continuous process. snakes shed their skin by brushing against something hard and rough, like a rock; creating a rip in their skin. usually this rip begins at the nose or mouth area. the snake continues to work on this rip until it completely removes the skin. some snakes shed their skins as frequently as once in every two months.

this process or occurrence is not always without incidence. things can possibly go awry. sometimes when the old skin is too dry to shed, due to very low humidity in the air, patches of the old skin can remain. these dead skin cells can habour parasites or provide a breeding ground for diseases. Furthermore, if the tip of the tail fails to shed correctly, it can cut off the snake's blood flow over time and actually cause the end portion of the tail to come off.

This shedding is not without purpose. Snakes shed their skin to allow for growth, as well as to remove parasites along with their old skin.


change is not without risk. growing is not without pain.


one has to go through quite a tough and rough time before emerging from the process as a better person. better than the old you. naturally, you would want to change for the better.

for the snake, what lies underneath the old, dead skin is a layer of clean and exciting mix of colours and patterns. something new and fresh to face life with. something to sustain our thirst for the future...in anticipation of the reward that usually comes at the end of hard work.

if we do not seek to grow, change will be forced upon us. change, is inevitable. the difference is, either we arm ourselves for the new uncertainties to come or do we simply let it overwhelm us...drown us.

the other side...

...of the coin. where simple pleasures of life leave you believing that it is all worth it.

at work, everyone's on edge. it's mid-year i.e. crunch time. it's make or break. stress levels up to the nose that it makes it hard to breathe. as the tension levels rise, the workload drags you down. double jeopardy. we've all been at it since ah, forever. that's one side of the coin, the permanent side.

just a little background on the environment i work in...

i sit in a cubicle sized about 6ftx6ft. cramped! that's because the area i'm in is also quite cramped. it's the smallest portion of the entire floor. i have a vp's room about three-feet away diagonally to my right, En. Neguib's. his room is where we and other smokers from other departments take our short trips to smoke, talk cock and bitch about work. Neguib has got a year to retirement, is english-educated (his bahasa is just slightly better than mine), is a good singer, and the type of boss that you'd want to have any time. he's a very relaxed and very experienced man. can be emotional at times but that's what makes him very approachable. he's got a good sense of humour. the type where he can laugh at himself and allows people to poke fun at him.

there are nine people in this small area of ours. six out of which are men. and all of us smoke.

on my immediate left is the first of the trio that makes up what we call, the ppg, something like the powerpuff girls. well, close enough. we call him, panjang, his real name is a.ravi. he sits in a cubicle exactly like mine. by his nickname and name, you can tell he's a tall, indian guy. he's hilarious. the joker. and he's in love with malay girls. he's very sensitive about his hair, or, lack thereof. to his left is steven tan chung teck. he is like his name. comical and cute. he has a round face, round body and he's the shortest amongst all of us. he makes up the g in ppg, which stands for gemuk. he's usually the butt of the joke. people find it difficult to pay attention to him because he talks quite softly and slowly. but he is a sales man. and, he's a whole different person when he starts rapping in mandarin. panjang and gemuk have been friends and colleagues for about 8 years. they are like a couple in love. if one doesn't come to work, the other would call and ask or just to share the day with. sweet, innit? no, they're not gay. steven's recently married. but that doesn't stop the rest of us from making fun of them anyway. that's like an ongoing material. immediately to my right, i have this new colleague, eric. he's a bit of a smart-alec. but he's still cool though. the quietest amongst all of us. the type that purges statistics at whim. he sits in a make shift cubicle but is the same size as mine. his cubicle is located in an alleyway leading to the restroom. basically, we didn't have space for him.

panjang, steven and i are sometimes known as the "muhibbah crew". somehow, it's a novelty in a country that prides itself of its multi-raciality and -religiousity. the four of us have our cubicles in a row backed against a long wall. so we face everybody else.

and everybody else are; kak sham. she's cute, she's nice and emotional. she treats eric and i like the rest of the guys here. oh, by the way, we are in life insurance department. the rest are in general insurance department. she is like the mother to all of us. she'd ask if we want to order lunch together, organise birthdays, sells us tempeyek, stocks up the fridge with our favourite drinks, checks up on us if we've done our claims for the month, and covers up for us if we're late or missing. (hehehe). and then, there's the other p, for pendek. or s.ravi. yes, we have two people by the name of ravi. ravi is the manager. he's the one with all the contacts. his sense of humour is pretty good too. and then, we have evelyn and raji. evelyn appears as the typical uptight clerk. but she is not. she's just quieter. she provides the laughter to the jokes. last and smallest but not least is raji. she's the youngest of the lot with a very cute persona. but she's got a tough job. she has to handle calls from all sorts of people. and most of it come from agents. agents are demanding. and she does it day in, day out.

so, the four of us sit facing the four of them. there's probably about three feet of space between our cubicles and evelyn's and raji's. that's how small and closed in our area is. that also reflects, the kind of bond that we have.


these are the people i share my days with. it is harder to leave when you're already accepted. when you've been made to feel like you belong.
(of course, there are several more very close friends that i make a point to go out for lunches with and more. and i know that they read this blog. so, just because you're not mentioned in here, doesn't mean that you're less important.)
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so, the story goes...

it happened perhaps in the last 15 minutes of the working day. it was brief, it was packed-full but it was lasting. goes to show just how much a really good laugh can do for you. if only i had a decent digital camera to capture the moment. my current employer is engaging in this corporate social responsibility thingamajig. *clapclapclapclap* so one of the things that they're getting us into is being environmentally friendly. as part of its launch, we're asked to wear something green the next day, which is a friday (a casual day at work).


as usual, the discussion started out with what green coloured-clothing item we each have in our wardrobe. each sorta rambles on the things they have that might pass off as reasonably accepted item. the conversation quickly gravitated towards undergarments. but of course. steven suggested that evelyn comes in a pair of green-coloured bra covered only by a white, see-through top. hmmm...what the? neguib volunteered himself to wear a pair of green coloured briefs. we quickly upped it to be a g-string. the g- standing for green. lots of laughter there. someone mentioned panjang to come in his bright green coloured leotards. (he was an athlete of sorts --> that being the reason as to why he'd own a pair of leotards. but for it being bright green...?)

and then, people got creative. neguib started it by suggesting that steven should come in as the hulk. but the thought of him coming to work bare-chested and have his abdomen and torso painted green? remember, he's not particularly muscular. so, no. but the vision of him in that get up got us cracking up. because panjang had the leotards, i suggested that he comes as the riddler. well, funny enough. because we were on cartoons and comic characters, kak sham suggested that neguib should come in as shrek! and went on to explain ....why. and everyone chimed in saying that elroy (another vp) should also come in as shrek. then, we'd have a competition for the best shrek. that got us going even longer. panjang continued by suggesting that evelyn should come as one of the characters from kungfu panda; the praying mantiss! that suited her very well. the image of her in such a get up bawled us over.

then, everyone sorta paused. thinking harder of something more realistic to wear. incidentally, steven, panjang and i got inspired by the potted plant that we have at the office. so, we turned to plants. initially, the suggestions were quite innocent, consisting of hanging leaves around your neck, using a leaf as a loin cloth, etc. then, steven had to suggest that we hang durians on our chest. ouh, not funny. so many people can get hurt. he expanded on that idea with two green apples and an unripe pisang tanduk in place of the pair of testicles and the penis. ok. that, was hilarious (cause you're meant to wear it outside).

and then, kak sham came up with what i personally thought the most brilliant and original idea. i still believe we should've pulled it off! she suggested that steven, panjang, eric and i come as the four ninja turtles! imagine that, the four of us sitting in a row in the ninja turtles costumes. if the earlier suggestions got us rolling on the floor laughing our asses off. this one, well...shook the entire floor with the uncontained laughters. sadly, by then it was already closer to nine pm. man, if we ever have a go green day again, i have to make sure that we've got the costumes ready. imagine, four guys of multi-races and -religions, going around doing something serious like insurance, in turtle suits! yes, being in sales sure makes one very creative. we could've even staged a mock battle.

but in the end, everyone came in very tame outfits. pretty lame actually. except for raji. she came in green clothes and even green lenses! that i thought, had to be the most original of all the ideas that actually materialised.

that, was thursday and friday.
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on saturday, i went for the ten-year reunion of my senior class. yeap, it was great. i just need the photos to prove it! (hahaha where the hell are they anyway?) reminiscing old times, sharing jokes and stories of a time that felt as though came from a different life time, hearing our teachers telling stories about us from their point of view, seeing how successful some guys are...one even came in a ferrari and with a gorgeous wife! ah, blessed.

wonder if he's got life insurance already...?

we even sang the school rally twice! ouh, the spirit; it's haunting!
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on sunday, we celebrated one of my bestest bud's birthday. his fiance organised it to be a poolside bbq party. big mistake!

of course he got thrown in! there were few other casualties as well; like sani's phone. it's still out of commission at the time of publishing. we pretty much got everyone thrown in. those who didn't jump in, got thrown in. and those who didn't, either got pushed in or fell in. but i think, the boys had the most fun throwing yours truly in. i was soaked to the bone! and i'm quite layered. couldn't blame them. it was funny because i actually put up a good fight. i had six to seven people chasing, grabbing and carrying me off to the pool. i also got a few of them in with me. moral victory, should we say?

i haven't behaved in such a juvenile manner as that in a very long time. i thoroughly enjoyed it. good for the soul!
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safe to say, i had one of the best weekends for as long as i could remember. there was so much laughter that i was compelled to document it. i hope there'll be many more of these so that i could look back and read that my life was balanced and wholesome. thanks too to my fellow mouseketeers (yes, the three of you!).

if not for these people, where would i be? who, would i be? and i thank god for surrounding me with people such as these.

it's a dog...

...eat dog world.

this mind pondered how drastically life has evolved. it doesn't matter what story you spin, everyone's heard it. everybody knows it. there is no more barrier between you and the world. everything seems to be overexposed. but it is not, that the world is exposed to you. it is you that is exposed to the world. if it's the former, than you should be a fairly wise person.

when back in the day, a person stepping out of the house meant discovering the world. however today. the world; even that which you choose not to associate yourself with, has infiltrated your home. you now, have to protect your kids from elements that are accessible via the internet, television, etc.

you are thrust into a world where predators of all types are just waiting to pounce.

because of this, people are rarely surprised, amazed, impressed, or enlightened anymore. people in general, and myself included are becoming less and less sympathetic to others' predicament. people have less time to be compassionate, to be altruistic.

stop complaining! stop whinging and whining!
everyone's got their own sob story. just put your head down and get the job done!

and that job is to survive. you shall be left behind if you're not chasing for something. the gap between those who are hard and those who are soft is greater now. and it only seems to be getting wider. being street smart nowadays is not measured only just by how you get yourself out of trouble. today, it requires you to have sharpened predatory instincts and skills. the more ruthless you are, the more success you'll achieve. it is measure by the number that you've taken down, on your way up.

deny this as a truth at your own peril. there are lives that seemed content to just lay back. but as a phrase goes, "they have taken themselves out of the game". everywhere you turn, there is always something to darken the day. when before, you can at least smile and move on. now, you put on a smug face and move on.

it doesn't matter whether you're leading a life for yourself or for the future of your descendants. you have to be chasing. otherwise, you are a victim. admittedly, there are still advocates of noble causes. but them too, are slowly becoming extinct.

you must take the hit. you must just be smart enough to cover your face and balls while the world gives you a beating. just make sure that you can still breathe at the end of it until the next beating comes. speaking literally and metaphorically, of course.

perhaps, this perspective may be viewed as pessimistic or cynical. but a deep underlying conviction believes that it is actually taking a realistic view of the surroundings. yet, to survive and thrive, one must continue to be positive and creative. creativity and ruthlessness is the name of the game now.

victory in any battle regardless of size, counts. the war, which has begun may not know the meaning of "an end". hence, neither should we hope to seek for one. it is only likely to degenerate and deteriorate.

"a person stands even taller when he/she is kneeling down to help". how does one be that person? perhaps, there is no more room for the principled. may god bless the souls that try.

clock ticks away...

...but time doesn't seem to move. it feels like, a siege.

isn't that how it feels when you experience the emotions of regret, guilt, disappointment, betrayal, anger, humiliation, loss? you feel claustrophobic...like you can't see a way out.

as cliched and naive as this may sound, there is only one thing in this life that can make one feel like a million bucks or a grain of sand in the sahara. that same thing has the capability to turn one into a winner and a loser...overnight.

...i badly wanted to clasp my hand, and crush it in my palm.

it's a difficult world when one tries to live by values and principles. the only satisfying and perhaps consoling factor is that at the end of it all, one can say "i did it my way". what one compromises in pursuit of such ambitions in life challenges the validity of the very values and principles one tries to uphold. Can one live without the joys of life that are compromised by the values and principles which one believes offers the "ultimate" in life? that the capture of such a coveted prize supercedes the many other joys life could offer?

when one feels that one has become the victim of one's own values and principles, when doubt rears its ugly head, when one hasn't succeeded in achieving even the smallest of what those values and principles are meant to achieve, when one walks away feeling like a fool...

...one has to choose, which horse to back with one's last dollar? where now to place one's last remaining faith and trust. place it in the idea of change? or place it again on the values and principles?

...it was great while it lasted. only that, i never expected such fickleness.

perhaps, one's values and principles should include fickleness. at least in that way, you would be the one hurting rather than getting hurt. but then again, it's only pain. what doesn't kill you apparently only makes you stronger...

on this day...

...i despatch a prayer of thanks to my Maker and my makers.


i am: you, i have: a meaning, i sustain: the one cyclic process, i bring: good tidings, i hate: arrogance and ignorance, i emphasize: humility and reason, i understand: diversity in all forms, i see: similarities, i tolerate: imperfections, i lie: to myself, i seek: honesty, i treasure: solitude, i own: nothing, i control: everything, i commend: commitment and determination, i aspire: leadership by example, i prepare: for challenges, i communicate: in metaphorics, i play: to the crowd, i work: with limitations, i emphathize: humanity, i take: the bad and the good, i give: what i can, i abhor: homosexuality, i respect: knowledge and wisdom, i accept: miracles, i have: the unfailing ability to destroy the things i love, i fear: life, i brave: uncertainties, i welcome: death, i belittle: self-pity, i had: to choose, i enjoy: food, i appreciate: conversations, i love: women, i question: trust and reality, i scheme: the more you scheme, i hope: to be loved, i observe: to appreciate, i never: stop searching, i pause: to look, i look: at the issue, i don't: take sides, i advocate: balance, i like: to think, i create: ideas, i rest: in dreams, i explore: causes, approaches and results, i live: sacrifices, i honour: the blood that runs through me, i feel: fine, i want: time, i know: that which i don't know, i apologise: for hastiness, i step: in others' footsteps, i depend: on mercy, i'm made: from the past, i'm shaped: by the future, i believe: beyond god is god, i wait: for when night ceases to become day, i wish: to have things my way.

a butterfly in...

...one's palm.

when trying to hold it, if you're not quick enough, it will fly away. if you succeed, you will stifle it. you don't have much of a choice. you have to leave your palm wide open. it may fly away. but if your palm is steady, it might just come back...and stay.

such a delicate, yet tensed circumstance.

the smile that its beauty carves...
the quiet sense of achievement...
the validation of life, spirit and wonderment...

all, in the simple gesture of; for a brief moment, having...
...a butterfly in your palm.

one must be prepared to be resigned to that stationary state. one's palm must be steady long enough for it to want to stay. and, all you want, is just that. for it, to stay. the intermingling of senses and emotions with which its presence creates, is enough.

but the butterly doesn't know that...it senses; movement, vibrations...discomfort and insecurity. and thus, it fleets away. one must be prepared for this, as well. whose palm it will land on next and stay? it shouldn't matter. the butterfly will land on an opened and steady palm.

perhaps, what one does not expect to be prepared for is, to close one's palm on a landing or even landed, butterfly. it's a delicate yet tensed circumstance.

...is that butterly landing?

there are moments...

...when everything seems to only be going 'left'. often, the cause is unknown. it's only a matter of whether action will be taken to change it's direction.

inaction, may be a viable alternative. especially if it is repressed or ignored long enough. something entirely unexpected or big enough may just come along and redirect one's focus. but it often proves temporary...

...and then, the restlessness returns.

if it'd only just stop. if you could only feel numb. it's funny how, creatures such as ourselves know exactly where to look for hope. and find it. just to keep us going for another day. ah, it doesn't sound like a winner.

once in awhile, when you're at that state of mind and being, you get the hint that things will be alright. once in awhile, you get the feeling that the hands that have always been there to receive the prayers that are sent for you; are the same hands that are there to catch you...are also the same hands that are outstretched to pull you out from the pits.

well, those hands won't let you...not feel. it will remind you that you're forever just, a mere human; with imperfections and is dependant on something greater.

a meeting with old friends, a reconnection with an old passion, a taste of that childlike abandonement...something.

...and before you know it, a great week goes by that makes you wonder, "what was i worried about?".

if you ever read this, thanks...it's been a great week.

be realistic, demand...

...the impossible.

demand from yourself and demand from others. until you do, you'll never be doing anything good enough. there is no excuse for not succeeding.

you should always be in competition. if there isn't any from others, then, be in competition with yourself. competing with yourself is that much harder. you'd know all your competitor's strengths and weaknesses.

how is that different from being kiasu?
frankly, i don't know. but strive for the highest standards you can have for yourself. that is when, even if material or tangible successes are not achieved, one has succeeded.

the good thing about it is, you're constantly bettering yourself. constantly, increasing your potential. so, when it comes to natural selection, you won't be selected. chances are, you'd escape from being selected for elimination.

it's easier to select those that are not performing rather then selecting those who perform because you'd never know how far their real potential is. for those who do not perform, you know that they have gone past their potential.

if you want to move vertically or diagonally, move when the limit of your potential is still undefinable. when you have moved, your potential becomes limitless once again. stay in that capacity until, or worry about non-promotion as soon as, your limitation appears as a dot in the horizon. don't wait until you see the line or worse, when you have gone past it.

as long as you stay within that boundary, you've got solid ground to manouever on. it's sipple out deh (slippery out there).

but that's not enough...

through it all, you must possess a set of values/measurements that marks your growth as a person and not just as a corporate participant. you must stamp your mark as a corporate player and ultimately, as a human being.

there are times when these two values come into conflict, that; the advancement in one may mean a regression in the other. it's difficult to place a rule on which to decide on. it all depends on the prevailing situation and the longer-term consequence(s).
in this instance, nothing can teach one better than the pages of life. one has to have gone through similar or worse situations in order to have something to refer to. the experience of others are invaluable, if, and only if one is capable to appreciate that particular experience as one's own. for otherwise, it will remain only as an anology worth noting.

what most would be interested in (either knowingly or unknowingly), would be, what is to be done during the time in between?
well, that would be to gather the experience with an open mind and a sincere heart. make friends, learn from others...ask questions, explore and let the mind wander and wonder.

there will always be challenges. even the best of us can, at times, take the wrong step. it's comforting to know that in this sense, humans are equal. i am, no less than who or what you are. and vice versa.

so, be realistic. demand the impossible from yourself. learn your strengths, your weaknesses. keep an eye out for opportunities and threats.

we owe it to ourselves.

is it on...

...purpose that thrive and survive rhymes?

funny how it is when we are in our most dire that we overcome, to become. for as long as we refuse to consider giving up as an option, we will thrive. it is those that make it a habit summonning that strength almost at will, that ultimately reach the greater heights. the rest of us just, survives.

they say that the funniest people are also the saddest. true? perhaps not a rule but the anecdotal evidence is too strong to ignore. a certain degree of admiration for such individuals is due for they look at positives in life. they build skills, walls, characters, barriers, etc...that enables them to turn the negatives in their lives into positives. admittedly, this may not apply to all cases...

it is the attitude that comes from the perspective of oneself that determines which path is taken. some flourish, others wither...

oft said that truth is stranger than fiction. the human mind cannot conjure up the kind of twists and turns, the pitfalls and the peaks, that life throws at us on a regular basis. what is more amazing, is the timing that these twists and turns occur. everything is subjected to prejudice and bias. the power to choose which of these, that influences that which pertains to us, is the key knowledge that should drive us.

so, no surprises. nothing escapes death. nothing escapes challenges. it is how we choose to deal with it is where the power of being human lies.
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live, passionately.
think, thoroughly.
love, unconditionally and genuinely.
do, sincerely.
speak, truthfully.
behave, frankly.
act, wisely.

this is the message i would pass on to whomever, however.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you are so...

...beautiful
to me
you are so beautiful
to me
can't you see
you're everything i hoped for
you're everything i need
you are so beautiful
to me

you are so wonderful
to me
you are so wonderful
to me
can't you see
you're everything i hoped for
you're everything i need
you are so wonderful
to me

you are so beautiful
to me
you are so beautiful
to me
can't you see
you're everything i hoped for
you're everything i need
you are so beautiful
to me

perhaps someday, the intended meaning of this song can be appreciated.

yesterday's a memory...

...today's a struggle, tommorow's an uncertainty.

nothing can be done about yesterday. hope we learn...the right lessons. everyday, you struggle to repress or retain yesterday, today. so that tommorow, you may have the strength to do the same, what you have done yesterday.

there is a strange desire to change/maintain yesterday for the belief that tommorow might just be different. tommorow always has a chance on being different.

i thought you'd be out of my mind,
and i'd finally found a way to,
learn to live without you,
i thought it was just a matter of time,
till i had a hundred reasons,
not to think about you...

not because yesterday was bad or ugly. at times, yesterday was just too good. so good that there's no way it could exist in any other way except as "yesterday". what can be done about today to make tommorow like yesterday?

...nothing.

nothing should be done but the desire to change that...it persists, and it persists.

i've still got your face,
painted on my heart,
scrawled upon my soul,
etched upon my memory, baby...

and when it gets difficult...

something in your eyes keeps haunting me,
i'm trying to escape you,
and i know there ain't no way to,
to chase you from my mind.

...a smile seems to make it all easier. hope you know.

turn off all...

...the lights,
let nothing come in between your eyes and mine,
take a deep breath baby,
inhale the sweet scent of this time,

why don’t you hush baby,
let me try to understand the language you speak,
and why don’t you just relax baby,
and enjoy me as a treat…

don’t be afraid, to hold me close,
and let me feel your heart racing,
don’t be afraid, to look for me,
cause i’ll be there waiting…

like i’ve promised you…

i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

i want to hear you cry, i want to see your tears flow,
i don’t want you to brace yourself; i just want to feel you let yourself go,
get burnt in the heat of passion, shiver in the lonesome cold,
and let the mystery of our future unfold…

and as you turn to the sky, seeking a force divine,
giving you strength to endure the pain, as excitement course through your veins,
you’ll know who you are, and learn who i am,
you haven’t loved me in vain…

i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

i want to hear you cry,
i want to see your tears flow,
i don’t want you to brace yourself; i just want to feel you let yourself go,
get burnt in the heat of passion, shiver in the lonesome cold,
and let the mystery of our future unfold…

and as you turn to the sky, seeking a force divine,
giving you strength to endure the pain, as excitement course through your veins,
you’ll know who you are, and learn who i am,
you haven’t loved me in vain…

so don’t be afraid, to hold me close,
and let me feel your heart racing,
and don’t be afraid, to look for me,
cause you know i’ll be there waiting…

like i’ve promised you…
i’ll take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
and we’ll delve into the deepest sea,
where i’ll show you a beauty you’ve never seen,

and,

when i take you to the highest peak,
and lay the world beneath your feet,
you’ll learn to rest in your dreams….

~written in march, 2004...re-written in march, 2008~

crossing the bridge...

...when you have come to it.

the railings and the planks that were there were very sturdy. the depth of the ravine, once measured, never needed measuring again. props to my peeps!

whilst the motivation was necessary it however, proved temporary...just enough though. the reasons still hold true. still, thank you.

it's different once on the other side. when before, most of the fears were imagined, now; it didn't seem so bad. it seems now, even, trivial. but with much humility, the appreciation of the trivial experience is beyond speech.

it's the type of experience that you acknowledge with a deliberate gulp in the throat, and a nod of the head...and you walk on. knowing, the many possibilities that there are to come.

the restrictions are still absent. the doors have been shut...that my deed is done. and with this, the keys are passed to you. decide...however long it shall remain that way.

the body's just a vehicle,
transporting the soul,
it's what's inside the people,
is the beauty to behold.

the steps that take you away from the bridge are weighed down by a sense of reconciliation. the appreciation of the experience has a way of humbling you. that, what may be right then and before, may not necessarily be right, forever.

it still is best, to protect the sentiments
...for now...
i will still be here when you come looking. i will still be there when you come a-calling.

consider this, the olive branch. if anything, for the brief moment of anxiety.

fear is in the eyes of the beholder,
love is in the presence of the lovemaker,
life is in the words of the comforter.

and as the wheel of time keeps on turning...

so too, may the steps of the journey to come are made lighter by your laughter.


"never mistake motion for action" - ernest hemingway

whilst calmly smoking...

...the cigarette, my leg is shaking frenetically.

there are always two choices. one is, to do. the other is, to not do. simple? hardly...

it's now five minutes to five in the morning. i can choose to, write this blog. or, choose to not.
damn, ideas were flowing right up to the second i picked up this laptop.

events in the last couple of weeks have really turned my life inside out. ah, dramatic? yes. too much hercule poirot, mon ami...why do i say this? it has brought to light some, very fundamental issues about life.

allow me, to begin...

one constant trait that i've exhibited during certain, uncertain situations in my life is that i tend to overthink. or rather, i'd like to view it as me practicing thinking things through. when situations are not, uncertain; my thorough-/over-thinking becomes more objective when it's about other people or other people's problems or impersonal (like work) issues.

another, constant trait i've also exhibited is to act impulsively. i use the word 'act' because it is put into action. i feel/think i need/want; and so, i do.

emotions are very strong drivers. one doesn't need to be a salesman or a politician to acknowledge that.

here's where it gets tricky. maybe, this is an illustration of what a dual personality is about. more of the geminian factor than the schizophrenic factor. that...these two traits manifests themselves at the same time.

really, i think i've yet to mature. both these traits reflect the volatility of youth rather than the stability of adulthood. "the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook" - william james. i still haven't developed the finesse of what and how to overlook or dismiss some things.

is it a problem? well, if there are always two sides of a coin...

the benefit of acting impulsively is that one tends to feel as though they are 'seizing the day'. living life. indulgence. you keep yourself happy. ha ha ha

i won't get into the difference between what merely thinking and overthinking is. it's sufficient to just take the literal definition. the benefit of overthinking is now, i think, more meaningful. when you do that, you get the broad picture of situations. you connect the dots. you look at specific occurrences and try to relate them to a bigger picture.

a person's behaviour in one instance may not adequately or accurately reflect one's values or intentions. it is over a trend of behaviour that can be taken as a basis for judgement. in short, you look for consistencies.
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i am now faced with a choice. to clarify or not to clarify.

so, is a discussion required?

it's eight minutes past seven. i've put two hours into this plus three sticks of cigarettes. gonna have to call in and let my dear boss know i'm gonna be late. i mean, later than usual. hahahahaha

"as far as your self control goes, as far goes your freedom" - marie von ebner eschenbach

the economics of...

...life.

there's always a trade off; somewhere, somehow.

the opportunity costs of a decision in life becomes easier to manage if you know what the ultimate objective is. in life, sometimes, you want to gain everything and do not want to lose anything. how?

how does one chase for the best of everything? how does one know that the probability is there? when it comes to facts and figures, it's easy. it is in fact, very impersonal. but what if it is personal? what if it is, an intimate matter? what about then?

this is worse than chess. i like the game, but i'm horrible at it. i understand it theoretically, but gravely lacking practice. i've chosen not to play it because i know i'm bad at it. the same can be said about life. there are things in life that you can choose to not participate in.

for example, the recent general elections. i did not participate, at all. means to say, i didn't vote. i chose to be ambivalent. i still do not fully understand the impact of the consequences of the election results in my life. i admit, i am not properly informed. worse still, i do not actively seek out the information. (that's a long-winded way of saying, i'm not bothered. it doesn't mean though, that i don't care).

a conversation with a friend brought up the topic of 'the impact of the election results on the inter-racial harmony within our immediate community'. surprisingly, i do listen. only that i articulate things in a different way. i thought about it. there is a valid reason for worrying. as human beings mature, we tend to lose the frankness we had as children. we learned how to put on a face. some individuals become really good at it. in front of us, with us; their behaviour is in a certain way. however, the genuineness of that behaviour becomes questionable when that individual behaves in a manner other than we expect them to. in turn, we become cautious and naturally put on a facade when we are next with that individual. it's a vicious cycle.

so, the trade off is that i'm no longer in the position to do anything until the next general election.

that "lost of frankness" becomes embedded in our personalities. the trait surfaces in other situations; in work, at home, in personal matters.

there are times when the trait itself becomes an issue. that, because of it, we are faced with a dilemma. whether to continue putting on that facade, or, to simply do away with it. because, the facade is coaxing us to make decisions that we do not truly want. the opportunity cost of a circumstance is then greatly distorted. matters are greatly aggravated because we now have to manoeuvre around that facade. the question of morality of the facade doesn't arise because the facade in itself is neutral. it is just, is. in fact, for some, it is necessary.

to break that facade with a renewed frankness brings about a certain and related, opportunity costs. the tangible and intangible costs. in certain circumstances, we are at times, even halted at the tangible cost.

apparently, it doesn't take much to break that facade. a misplaced, simple self-confession seemed sufficient.

how simple it is for one's judgement to be clouded. how simple it is, to be distracted. how simple it is, to jump to conclusions. how simple it is, to get excited. we forget sometimes, how fragile some things are. especially, things like a facade; reputation, credibility...trust.

there's a phrase that says, seek to understand then, to be understood. but if by seeking to understand alone is enough to cost you; where then, do you begin?

so, do i repair that facade? or do i continue to break through it? what can i expect to lose by either of my actions? is it even reparable? on what basis do i make my judgement if the ultimate objective is absent? well, maybe not exactly absent. more like, the ultimate objective is itself not properly established.

did i mention i'm distracted?

it's easy to...

...miss something that you're not looking out for.

why am i so kan cheong about all this?

am listening to james morrison's "you give me something"...

you only stay with me in the morning
you only hold me when I sleep
<don't know how these first two lines are relevant>
i was meant to tread the water
but now I've gotten in too deep

for every piece of me that wants you
another piece backs away

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might know my heart

you only waited up for hours
just to spend a little time alone with me
and I can say I've never bought you flowers
i can't work out what they mean

i never thought that I'd love someone
that was someone else's dream

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might call you from my heart

but it might be a second too late
and the words that I could never say
are gonna come out anyway

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something

you give me something
that makes me scared alright
this could be nothing
but I'm willing to give it a try
please give me something
because someday I might know my heart


ah, i feel so foolish. really...but i suppose i don't care. i'm just gonna vent it here. i need to reflect. a friend was telling me that this is good for me. it means that i'm alive again. if this is only fleeting, then i pray that it fleets away fast. cos i don't wanna know what price i'm gonna have to pay for this. but if it's not...how would i know? hahaha do i want to know?

i feel like laughing at myself because dah kantoi! hahahahahahaha (i must learn how to put my posts on private mode) hahahahaha arghh...hahahahaha

ok, that was good. i mean, i had a good laugh although it was at the expense of myself.

his arrogance is...

...humbling.


it's the kind of arrogance that's justified. he started out from very humble backgrounds. his grandparents were uneducated immigrants, who worked the land that they decided to call home. he, by all accounts, is a very successful man...distinguishingly successful. he toiled his way into the upper echelons of the corporate world. only to find, once there, that is not all that it's cracked up to be. the rewards that awaited him were not what he expected; in spite of him being fully deserving of it. and through all that, he still manages to hold on to his identity.

he has gone through a lot of trials and tribulations, personal and work.

he should be happy.

his beliefs on holding onto one's principles regardless of the circumstances have served him well; having taken him so far in life. at the same time, it's costed him many other things in life. for example, the simple joy of life by just being silly.

he's respected, influential and loved.

i aim to be like him. to ultimately achieve those three things in life. but i don't want to be exactly like him. i want to be able to find laughter in silly things too. the problem is, whilst i subscribe to the same thinking and perspective, i don't seem to have the will to practice it. i'm still struggling to be 'it'. maybe, that's why we can't seem to see eye-to-eye on most things.

he, is my father.

.................................................................................................if i lay here

what is a man if not for his principles?
the fundamentals of a person. you try so hard, yet, you don't seem to be getting anywhere near that.

it all boils back down to fundamentals, when it comes to making decisions. like choosing your next career move, life partner and so on, and so on.

fundamentals. fundamentals. fundamentals.

fun·da·men·tal [fuhn-duh-men-tl]

–adjective
1. serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.
2. of, pertaining to, or affecting the foundation or basis: a fundamental revision.
3. being an original or primary source: a fundamental idea.
4. Music. (of a chord) having its root as its lowest note. –noun
5. a basic principle, rule, law, or the like, that serves as the groundwork of a system; essential part: to master the fundamentals of a trade.
6. Also called fundamental note, fundamental tone. Music.
a. the root of a chord.
b. the generator of a series of harmonics.
7. Physics. the component of lowest frequency in a composite wave.
[Origin: 1400–50; late ME <>fundament, -al1] —Related forms
fun·da·men·tal·i·ty, fun·da·men·tal·ness, noun
fun·da·men·tal·ly, adverb
—Synonyms 1. indispensable, primary.

............................................................................................if i just lay here

the definition of fuhn-da-men-tl that i'm alluding to in this rambling belongs to the first category...serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.

am i measuring myself against what is fundamentally me? or the view of 'me' as i see it? am i fundamentally righteous? weak/strong? untrustworthy? superficial? ah...i don't know. perhaps, the constant doubt that i've been suffering from in turn, humbles me.

as opposed to my father who is fundamentally sound, which makes him a very humble man. his insistence on humility brings about a certain arrogance, consequently humbling a person, like me.

always be humble enough not to depend on anyone. always have the humility to seek understanding. always have the humility not to judge someone/something. you can never rely on anyone else but yourself. when you cannot rely on anyone, you lack that trust for someone. and without trust....

my independence came about as a result of not wanting to trust, or having to place a certain trust in others. i did that once, some time ago when i thought i was assured of my fundamentals. i let myself down. in the process, i let others down too.

instead of the refined assuredness that my father possess, my constant doubt of myself humbles me.

.............................................would you lie with me and just forget the world

beauty is in...

...the eye of the beholder.

my eyes roam, so my heart wanders. every now and then, it wanders back to you.
i sense that you do not want it. i get the feeling that it's not right. in the end, what's holding me back are merely sentiments.

i remember, being a bit too honest. maybe hoping, it would be paid in kind. still, you held the distance. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments. my eyes rest, on a lot of hope...when it rests on you. hope, that you will trust me. so, i persist. maybe, it's difficult for you to appreciate my honesty, because my frankness is strange to you. maybe you think, it's not as innocent as it appears.

i cannot lie.

several times, i glanced your way. watched you sleep. the strands of hair covering your face called out for me to push it back. i thought, not. quietly, you lay there. i wanted, to reach out and just hold your hand. again, i hesitated. perhaps, to protect...the sentiments.

i am not a bad person.

then again, maybe, i'm just not good enough...for you. my thoughts raced. did you listen? if you did, do you believe me? did you judge me? i told you, i cared. it's not something i would say, normally. senor cuervo may have pushed those words out my lips. at least, i'm certain that i care. of anything else, i know not.

you asked me, what you are doing wrong. i think i said, you're too scared. you neither negate nor affirm the perspective. perhaps, you think, there is some truth in that. i don't know why i said that. come to think of it, it probably applies more to me.

i am, too scared...to be seen as though taking advantage. too scared, to be viewed as just another one-of-those. too scared, to be told 'no'. too scared, to let another person down.

you are not wrong, to have a certain view of me. it is a view i've made public. and that is probably why you doubt me. i got to know you, through your sadness. i wonder, if you know me. even, want to get to know me.

maybe it's best, to protect the sentiments

...for now...

i will be here, when you come looking. i will be there, when you come a-calling.

...simply, because i care. if we can leave it, at that.

..................................................................................where did i go wrong, i lost a friend,

i've poked fun at you, many times. i know, you can take it. you are...resilient. you too, i got to know, through your sadness. i remember, when you cried. you, may not. i remember, the distressed tone in your voice when you called that particular morning. i remember, how you leaned on me.

i hope that now you've vowed eternal, you can lean comfortably when the need arises. and it may arise sooner than you think, as a consequence for saying that i sound like a woman in my blog!

lean baby, lean!

we do though, have to curb the kind of banter that we've been exchanging lately. strangely, it's making me uncomfortable. well, enough said.

.....................................................................................somewhere along in the bitterness,

there are very few, even amongst the ones that i care for, i can call a friend. i mean, we are all friends. i suppose, unlike some others, i don't have 'that friend'. i don't have that "bestest friend". actually, i once had. but, as life would have it, we grew apart. the good thing about us is that, we don't forget that friendship. he is about to be married. i'm sad that i am not chosen as the best man. nevertheless, salute!

you know a train, goes round a track. and along the way, it will make stops at various stations. well, a friend once described me as that train. i'm always moving; coming from somewhere, going somewhere else. and the stops, are the various lives that i've been privileged enough to step into. in some cases, pass through. but i have made, good friends.

once, i was asked, if i believe in 'the one' as opposed to 'finding the best fit, at that time'. perhaps, the answer is yes. the problem is, many that i meet are possibilities of 'the one'. the trouble is, how much do i care to test the hypothesis? i don't even have the methods of testing, properly established. so it remains, merely a hypothesis. some, were very pretty hypotheses.

........................................................................and i would have stayed up with you all night,

it feels like i need to stop moving. it may not be, the beginning of the year. but who is there to say when a beginning, should begin.

maybe, i will go to perhentian.
..........................................................................................had i known how to save a life.



"no one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend; but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end" – dan zadra

to not exercise...

...my voting rights is, exercising my voting rights.


they say that many people have sacrificed their lives just so my generation and the generations after enjoy the democratic right to vote.


i disagree.


whilst i am eternally grateful to them who have sacrificed their lives for me to enjoy such rights, i sincerely do not believe that the objective was to literally vote. i believe, the objective was to simply to be free to make our own choices, no matter what they are. and those choices, have to be properly informed choices.


i love this country. i will always be a malaysian with its beauty and its flaws.


but today, the age that i live in. the so-called information age, i am truly biasedly informed.

yet, i know why, if the situation calls it; in a blink of an eye, i would pick up arms and die for this country. i would die for the opportunity given to me, to be born free. i would protect to the death that right, that luxury. free to make your own choices. free from the subjugation of any other entity.

we should be patriotic not because of obligations placed on us but because of the intrinsic belief that living a life with the luxury of being able to choose; is a value that above all is the most fundamental to life. even before breathing.

"with great freedom, comes great responsibilities" - anonymous

winner takes all...

...and i do not want to leave empty handed.

oddly today, i feel very out of sorts. no, i'm not actually tired. but i feel different. my dilemma is about to come to a head. i must be prepared come what may. but i must resolve within me to stand firm. i know i'm good at this. i know i'm making a difference. i don't believe i'm being naive.

please, remove these shackles that bound me to obscurity.

this is, make or break. i have no heart to tell my friends. instead, i only try to spend as much time as i can with them. make as much memories with them, just in case i don't survive the bloodbath that's inevitable. that's what it'll be, a bloodbath.

i won't step out of the ring until i'm down....and out.
you can only be either one...the winner, or the loser.

this is my fight. only i can fight this. i will fight this, my way.

i have thought about pursuing a certain interest in someone, and the conclusion tells me that no one else deserves to share this personal burden i'm carrying. you know, as people always say, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. i'm starting to believe that i don't want this "to be". hehe, but i probably want other things..."to be" (if you know what i'm saying).

my eyes roam, so my heart wanders....

it is no longer mine, and only mine. i have a responsibility to take this fight all the way. to the very end, and i must come out victorious. the integrity of the people under my command is at stake. whilst they haven't done everything right, they still don't deserve the fate that awaits them if i don't step up. worse still, the fate that awaits them, if i lose.

let this be my testimony...let this be my witness. soon, the day will come when i shall begin the journey of a lifetime.

"if nothing changes, nothing changes" - jim westley

at my command...

...unleash hell!!!!


it's war out there. it really is this time. brethrens no longer, friendships severed. bloody shall be the colour of the grass of home. darkness, not of night. brightness not of sunlight. but of the gathering clouds of smoke and the crashing flames from burning flesh. it will be gruesome, it will be horrific.


everyday, is 'the day'. today, we fought like as though it would be the last day. or so we hoped. we were close. considering the circumstances, we fared rather well. we fought hard.

news all round saying that we're gaining. everyday, we're gaining.

there's something about winning that makes you want to fight even fiercer. it makes you greedy for victory. everything, anything...must be won. if you can't consume it, you deprive others of it. when you're winning, you shed all sense of defeat. that it is almost unthinkable. that losing, is unacceptable.

it makes you, more ruthless. in battle, there's a clearly drawn line demarcating the choices you make. you shove the weak into the fray so that the enemy has greater distance to your hero. everyone has a part to play. everyone has a destiny.

sometimes, merely by sheer tenacity, you live for another day. but you don't start the day's battle with a hope.

you begin...with a desire to end it.

throughout, there is no thought. you shut away all emotions. forward, you march. and you march.
truly great warriors are animals; of brute strength and primal urges. these warriors, keep on marching. and on, and on.
great warriors, remain eternally great...as the living continue on marching in their shadow. forward, march, forward, march...on, and on.
these warriors are admired.

to lead, this march of great warriors...to be the first, to be bestowed greatness...to shade the path of the forward marching of great warriors. nay, to bestow the greatness to great warriors.
these leaders are respected.


ah, but to mould, these leaders. to create, this greatness.

it is an evil.

it is loved.


"winners have simply formed the habit of doing the things losers don't like to do" - albert gray

of clean lines...

...and arranged thoughts.

it was, one mess after another. everything seemed to be falling apart. slowly, and quite certainly (at least, it felt) the many aspects that make up this life appear to be disintegrating.

oh, the doubts! the anger! the embarassment! the fear! the delusions! the drugs! the alcohol! the women! the moral degeneration!

you name it. then....

.............................................................................................................................................................silence



reflections, after reflections. reinvention after reinvention. as sudden as it went, so did as sudden it came. that's the beautiful thing about life. sometimes, you just have to remain breathing. your life, takes a life of its own.

it was a war. this was no mere scuffle. it was, war. alliances were made, broken. resources dwindled; the people, neglected.
vision versus reality; truth pitted against belief; the mind stood up against the flesh.
it was an epic of great proportion.

but, reason prevailed. rationality returned, justice won. in this time of quietness, the politics of needs and wants resumed. each, bantered and argued. emotions were not constrained, tantrums were thrown around freely. sentiments were launched, monies bought support.

then, ideas flowed...perspectives took shape. ah....finally, the wind blows.

the sail hurriedly sewn together, the hull hastily patched, able seamen hired!
double time, quick time, over time...post haste!
to the sea, to the sea!

only the captain knows. he is the map. he is protected! he is not towed, he is counselled. still, only he knows.

it is sometimes, a blessing not knowing where and what the destination is. it is at times, sufficiently satisfying to simply be moving. the arrangements of the stars, night after night, shall reveal the direction. we may sometime discover the destination even without being told. that in itself, is a treasure to be discovered.
could it be? looks like it...but, that doesn't look anything like,...maybe it's over the other side, around the corner...


clean lines, not straight lines. arranged thoughts, not organised thoughts.

"your perspective of yourself will determine the possibilities you pursue" - mike evans

i have arrived...

...at the crossroads with the roundabout. the signboards are slightly obscure.

from afar, i can read it somewhat but it doesn't seem to mean anything to me at the moment. i only slowed down about 50 meters approaching the crossroads. typical me, i was speeding. now, i've slowed down so much almost coming to a halt. well, at least, the rules say i should stop and look before getting onto the roundabout.

oh, but wait. this is probably the umpteenth time i've approached this same crossroad. and everytime i'm on the road in the direction of the roundabout, i seem to speed. impatient and excited, to make my choice.

yet, time and time again, i would go round the roundabout several times and eventually, find myself on the road in the direction where i came from. and i would take that time to think things over, and over again. re-evaluating my choices, my destination and re-deciding. sometimes, it's the same decision that i've made in the previous round.

i would usually make my decision in, well, under forced circumstances. i say it's "forced circumstances" because if i ever want to have anymore chances at other things in life, i cannot miss the 'u-turn' that leads me back to the crossroads with the roundabout.

whether the decision, which i've made is the correct one...well, i guess it's obvious looking from the number of times i've gone around the crossroads and the u-turn.

not that going back the way i came from is not an option. it's the most familiar route. i know my way around. i know each and every pothole and bumps in the road. i know the shortcuts.
perhaps, i'm just done with this neighbourhood. i don't mean to sound like a big fish in a small pond. but there's a lot more out there. i've visited those other neighbourhoods.

...once again, i've arrived at the crossroads with the roundabout. only this time, i've made the u-turn without a choice of directions i want to take. i know, going round the roundabout will be a futile exercise. i might as well make a u-turn and go back to the way i came from. give myself more time to think.

however, i am pulled into trying a certain direction. something is building me up to take a risk, a leap of faith. but how do i know that this time it's motivated by something real and not just another whim or fancy?

how does anybody know? perhaps, knowing this which i don't know, should make me not be so hurried to decide. oh, and did i mention that the map's no good?

"our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" - shakespeare

the new world...

...promises a multitude of possibilities.

and that's where i'm headed.

a place where there's sympathy for the privileged. and a harsh word for the forsaken. a place where regrets can be forgiven and second chances are in abundance.

a place where seizing the day is admired and chivalry is not dead. where impeccable mannerisms are a virtue and innocence is a choice.

a place where softly spoken words resound so greatly when it carries a tune of truth.

a place, where real love is felt in whatever way, shape or form it's shown.

idealistic? naive? yes, yes...undeniably.

but that is the part of youth that i still hang on to so dearly.

it's been 15 days into the new year. nothing has changed. except, maybe, a view of the future. right now, for this year, i want to achieve, both my private and public victories. will it change tomorrow? i hope not.

there are things and ends that i cannot consciously seek. they are things or ends, that come as a consequence of a series of interconnected events. it is time that i trigger that series of related events. that, i can do consciously.

and through it all, i intend to maintain my four-walled fortress.
credibility,
integrity,
sincerity
and love.

may god help me.
no more playing a role. no more, geminian conflict. no more, confusion in the comfort of loneliness.

if i have to stand alone against an amy of dissenters, well, so be it. one thing i am certain of myself is that i fight. i will fight, fall, and still get up and fight. but all i've done is fight. for what? now, i cannot say for certain.

somehow, i'm tired of fighting. but there are not that many sides of me which i can rely on. fighting is perhaps the only thing i know how to do. i seem want to defy everything. even if it means hurting myself. hahahaha...a fine mess.

and i want people to fight with me, for me. are my ideals too selfish? do my ideals require such a great sacrifice? can i choose to change my ideals? can i be something other than me?
or do i defend it? to the death even! are they worth dying for? more importantly, are they worth living for?

my Utopia.

...if i may, a moment of self-reflection.
this whole thread doesn't seem to make much sense. self doubt or lack of confidence or low self-esteem? hahahahaha

i shall sail this damaged ship into the new world. i shall navigate it through the rough seas and unfamiliar ports. i shall overcome the threats of pirates.

oh burn, and burn,
ye blaze of glory!
lead the way in the unforgiving night.

oh bright, and bright,
ye blaze of glory!
reflect thy bloody sword through a ferocious fight.

oh scream, and screech,
ye blaze of glory!
cry the demise of a comfortable life.

it's my pleasure...

...to make your acquaintance.

again.

you and i look like we can be very good friends. we share similar history and experiences. but our outlook do differ slightly. we've tended to disagree on many occasions. and, more often than not, i've given in to your arguments. that has been mainly because your desires seemed very much stronger than mine. and i for one, will never let anyone be deprived for any taste of life. such hedonistic principles? well, to each his own.

but this is where it stops. i cannot ignore my needs and desires anymore. i cannot let you have your way all the time. i will now compete for my time in the spotlight.

you and i are approaching our third decade in life. somehow, life is not how we imagined it to be at this point in life. i don't think we are behaving as how people our age should be. i know at least, we agree on that.

for the past month or so, i have immersed myself in my job. i've tried to distract myself. it has worked somewhat. also, all the driving and travelling has been good. it has given me back some of the belief in life which i've lost for awhile.

i surrounded myself with people who didn't mind having me around. not too sure if they wanted to but for certain, they didn't mind. and for that, i thank you.it seemed that the only way to return some semblance of normality back into my life is by making friends with myself again. my dear friend was right. pursue it until you exhaust yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. i did everything a man in my position could possibly do. and i did it sincerely. now, i have no regrets.

...and then,



she called.


only then i realised how much i've missed her. i admit, i was very much overwhelmed. but i also heard her deliberate non-acknowledgement of my feelings from the lack of response to them.

i understood.

i can only allow myself to reiterate that i love or loved her so. i don't know myself. but i have to now not think about it until i really have to. who? it doesn't matter now really....i cannot, now, return to what i was. now, i have to grow. i have to be what my mind and my heart has been telling me how i should be. i have to embark on that journey that i have held myself back for so long.

but this ship is damaged. it's got a torn sail, a hole in the hull and lacking a navigator. still, those unfamiliar seas have to be charted. along the way, some might be lost. i have to prepare myself for that. but the discovery must be made.

and along the way, as i port for provisions, i know i will have some strangers as passengers who'd want to hitch a ride. maybe they will become friends, maybe just acquaintances. or maybe, they will remain as strangers.


what exciting times lie ahead.

i have been...

...weighed, and measured. and i have been found... wanting.

increasingly, i find solace in my thoughts. and how deeply, i retreat into its comforting words.

if i could ask in earnest, i would ask for the moon to cease moving. so that the night will last forever. and so shall your beauty which i behold in my dreams.

i have missed you like the flower missing the sun, whilst the darkness of night reigned over. yet, i have seen many moons accompany the stars. still, i have not seen your face. and many suns have i long counted, to the day that your smile shall be cast upon me.

love, my love...
should end in hope. and hope is what shall take me to you.

and so i have been weighed,
and measured.
and i have been found,


...wanting.