to feel fine...

...is not an easy thing to do.

because we tend to question "why?". even when things are fine, we ask, "why?". maybe it's a sign of an unsettled soul. but i feel old. how many lifetimes does it take for my soul to feel settled?

more and more lately, i keep thinking about fatherhood. it's quite scary. because i remember a time when all i thought about was, well...i can't freaking remember. but whatever it was, i'm quite certain it had nothing with fatherhood. maybe because i thought i've made the mother of my child.

i was freaked out.

now, the scene in front of the tele, after dinner, the couch has a man and a child but no woman on it. as i watch the woman which i thought would be her, walk away into the arms of another man, i find myself asking in the infamous question "why?'.

i suppose this soul will find it hard to settle.

she had such a kind but defiant face. it's how she pouts and smiles. yet, i can't help but be angry at her.

i need to hideaway again, re-group myself. put on my arrogance again. for if i don't do that, i'd start falling for another girl again and possibly end up damaging that person as well. such a wimp, i know.

i can't even pretend anymore.

i know i have asked for so much. especially for you to prove that you're watching me. but i'm asking again, just make her believe that i did love her and still do. whether or not on the day that happens i'd still be in love her, i don't know but i hope so. but even if i don't, i hope i get that day.
i may not be good with birthdays, anniversaries and the likes. and i may not know what present to give, but i remember the day we met, i remember what i thought of you when i first laid my eyes on you. i remember what i was thinking about as we were standing at the traffic lights. i remember the smile, how you were seated (with the shoulders forward), i know it was real. and that's what i need you to believe. because they are not cheap; the words, the feelings, the actions....