such is life...

...or so they say.

well, i'd like to have a stand on the matter but can't seem to decide on which. whether to accept the statement as an axiom or to continue challenging it. i re-read my previous posts and found them to be quite depressing and quite directionless. come to think of it, i think i've been in such a state of mind for quite awhile.

today i had a conversation which brought up the topic of, "i still don't quite know myself". i think everybody re-visits the topic at various milestones in their life. emm, feeling quite modest, i really don't know.

the friend i was having this conversation with is perhaps going through such self re-evaluating process at the moment. and maybe i am too. by that, i can't help but feel a certain connection to this person. it's just perhaps comforting to know that you're not going on such a journey alone.

whatever it is, one needs to get back up and feel that they are in control again of every aspect of their life. the funny thing is, when you do think you're in control, and then something happens, you go through this process which effectively, (at least for me) pauses your living. and then you reach a stage where you start doubting everything that you seem to have held so firmly; believing that you've figured yourself out.

maybe, the thing that strikes me the most is how comfortable i am being in this situation. and because of that, i tend to think that being in this state is where i am in control of my thoughts, behaviour and decisions. being out of this situation seem to give me a sense of temporary security. perhaps, a false one, until i land myself in this situation again.

it doesn't make one a very reliable partner, that's for sure. makes one very volatile. but to consciously remain in such a situation is not the lesser evil either. perhaps, being in this constant limbo is the underlying current of a gemini. if that's what i am, what about the others? ah, an even bigger trouble, a philosophical gemini. hahahaha

i think i need another doobie!