such is life...

...or so they say.

well, i'd like to have a stand on the matter but can't seem to decide on which. whether to accept the statement as an axiom or to continue challenging it. i re-read my previous posts and found them to be quite depressing and quite directionless. come to think of it, i think i've been in such a state of mind for quite awhile.

today i had a conversation which brought up the topic of, "i still don't quite know myself". i think everybody re-visits the topic at various milestones in their life. emm, feeling quite modest, i really don't know.

the friend i was having this conversation with is perhaps going through such self re-evaluating process at the moment. and maybe i am too. by that, i can't help but feel a certain connection to this person. it's just perhaps comforting to know that you're not going on such a journey alone.

whatever it is, one needs to get back up and feel that they are in control again of every aspect of their life. the funny thing is, when you do think you're in control, and then something happens, you go through this process which effectively, (at least for me) pauses your living. and then you reach a stage where you start doubting everything that you seem to have held so firmly; believing that you've figured yourself out.

maybe, the thing that strikes me the most is how comfortable i am being in this situation. and because of that, i tend to think that being in this state is where i am in control of my thoughts, behaviour and decisions. being out of this situation seem to give me a sense of temporary security. perhaps, a false one, until i land myself in this situation again.

it doesn't make one a very reliable partner, that's for sure. makes one very volatile. but to consciously remain in such a situation is not the lesser evil either. perhaps, being in this constant limbo is the underlying current of a gemini. if that's what i am, what about the others? ah, an even bigger trouble, a philosophical gemini. hahahaha

i think i need another doobie!

to feel fine...

...is not an easy thing to do.

because we tend to question "why?". even when things are fine, we ask, "why?". maybe it's a sign of an unsettled soul. but i feel old. how many lifetimes does it take for my soul to feel settled?

more and more lately, i keep thinking about fatherhood. it's quite scary. because i remember a time when all i thought about was, well...i can't freaking remember. but whatever it was, i'm quite certain it had nothing with fatherhood. maybe because i thought i've made the mother of my child.

i was freaked out.

now, the scene in front of the tele, after dinner, the couch has a man and a child but no woman on it. as i watch the woman which i thought would be her, walk away into the arms of another man, i find myself asking in the infamous question "why?'.

i suppose this soul will find it hard to settle.

she had such a kind but defiant face. it's how she pouts and smiles. yet, i can't help but be angry at her.

i need to hideaway again, re-group myself. put on my arrogance again. for if i don't do that, i'd start falling for another girl again and possibly end up damaging that person as well. such a wimp, i know.

i can't even pretend anymore.

i know i have asked for so much. especially for you to prove that you're watching me. but i'm asking again, just make her believe that i did love her and still do. whether or not on the day that happens i'd still be in love her, i don't know but i hope so. but even if i don't, i hope i get that day.
i may not be good with birthdays, anniversaries and the likes. and i may not know what present to give, but i remember the day we met, i remember what i thought of you when i first laid my eyes on you. i remember what i was thinking about as we were standing at the traffic lights. i remember the smile, how you were seated (with the shoulders forward), i know it was real. and that's what i need you to believe. because they are not cheap; the words, the feelings, the actions....