desperately wanting...

...to know what I'm doing. with my career, relationships, faith, and ultimately, my life. "what am i doing?" is a rarely asked question. yet, we just keep on "doing". try as i might to anticipate and pre-empt the consequences of behaviours and actions, i sometimes get caught up in the process and never really get into the thinking. such is the frailty of the human mind.

do you know the feeling of being 'caught out'? it weighs you down with a feeling of disappointment, despair and desperation...all at once. you can be caught out not just when you're doing something "wrong", you can also be caught out when you're trying to do something nice.
sometimes, there are things that you don't talk about because it is not clear even to yourself. being caught out in such a situation, well...has, as i've recently learned, dire consequences. living with the consequences is hard enough, making it right is even harder. i want to make it right because it's the right thing to do. because i believe that i deserve the chance to do so.

many things can happen when you're trying to make right that can derail you from achieving your objective. you know the adage, things will get worse before it starts to get better? however, you keep going. not because you're selfish, not because of stubborness, not because of ego. it is because of humility. knowing that if you don't try, you would lose everything that really matters in this life...dignity, integrity, credibility and love. it is also a way to show your appreciation for the experience and gratitude to the almighty for a life worth living.

i've done that once when i was in australia. just riding the waves, chugging along, bulldozing through in spite of the adversity, knowing, believing that you'll come out on top. the difference then is i had only myself to be accountable to and for.
this time, however, there is another person that i need to be accountable to. a whole set of entirely different values, perspectives and sentiments. whilst it would be easier to just walk away and ignore, it would be something that i personally cannot live down. maybe others can take that road.

i cannot begin to explain, let alone defend my actions, regardless of how i was 'caught out'. though, i do think it was ethically wrong, maybe now, that's not the point. there's no denying, i'm responsible for what happened. but it was such a personal thing that i, and only i have the right to it. have the right to question it. have the right to deal with it. in fact, i was questioning it, i was dealing with it. if only you could understand that. i've not treated you any less, and now, i'm doing so much more, desperate to make an impact in your life.

how i feel for you now is how i've felt ever since. and genuinely do so. i don't doubt it. will it last? perhaps it should. for there's not enough in two life times for me to make it up to you. i owe you something that no human should owe to another, or even themselves. because of that, there's no redemption for me. has anyone else felt this way? can you imagine it? can you emphatize with it?

it is not the guilt that keeps me here. if it was, i would've behaved like anyone else. that is, happy that it's over and have the chance to exit honourably. but it is the desperation to prove that the perspective and interpretation that you currently have cannot be more contrary to what was intended.

alleviate me of my desperation, and start believing in the future that i've envisioned, then you'll come to learn, to know and hopefully, to love again the person, the man that i really am.
i don't know what this is. don't know if its my way of clearing the air. don't know if this a plea. don't know if this is how i get a perspective on whats currently happening. but it is now here for the world to read, and know. i hope that one of them is you.