that winning streak...

...for most, doesn't last long. for a select few, it seems; is the envy of many. and for the rest, is such a rarity that when it does happen, is in itself a treasure to behold.

that "winning streak" can mean so many things; to be able to look good for a function from the comfort of the bedroom till the end of it without feeling overly conscious, to go on a run of days without sufferring a calamity, or even simply, to be smiled at sincerely by a beautiful girl. any piece of good luck really.

and when it does happen, to those who find it tough going to even muscle out a morsel of good luck; it becomes doubly hard to just bask in it even for a moment. because you tend to worry, when you will next 'eff' it up. is this a sign of low self-esteem or lack of confidence? i think this goes slightly beyond that. when one has lived long enough to observe the trend, this series of misfortune is not without blame on the part of the sufferring individual. almost always, one can pinpoint the exact moment where the wrong decision/action was made.

most would probably conclude that as the many lessons to be learned in life. then again, how many more lessons must one learn before one can start enjoying that "big break" in life, whereby thereafter, that individual need not worry or at least, can be confident enough that such misfortunes will come far in between.

no. there's only one way of looking at it. and that, that individual is reserved for bigger and better things. to do only perhaps one thing right in their entire life, which one will be remembered by for however long. and that one thing could be as simple as passing down all those learned lessons to one's children, in so that in their lifetime, they do not commit the same mistakes. and consequently, become someone historically important in however big the community.

yes, i'm alluding to that almost mythical word; providence.
it does give one that sense of pride, doesn't it? a reason to not give up. an excuse to continue pushing through life regardless of the obstacles. to maybe someday stumble upon that right moment, that right opportunity, to make something of one's self. and then, to do it right.

perhaps someday, i will make a girl go stumbling, tripping and falling in love.
perhaps someday, i will be standing in anfield amongst the crowd, celebrating our win for the treble.
perhaps someday, i will get that standing ovation for a job well done.
perhaps someday, long after i'm gone, someone, somewhere will say, if it wasn't for me, he/she would never have succeeded.

perhaps one day, that day, comes...and i will be there to enjoy it.

until then, happy new year everyone! hope to see you all smiling at the end.

"either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing" - Benjamin Franklin

as i walk...

...through the streets of frankston,
everyday living in desperation,
in search of knowledge and education,
learning the values of, freedom and independance,
every deed, every sin...building on my essence,
every now and then, i look up into the sky,
i feel the sunshine getting into my eye,
and once in awhile, the hair on my neck stands in the breeze,
as though god's eyes are following me,
from birth to eternity....
dear lord, what can i do?
my luck's running out, please drop me a clue...
dear lord, what should i do? my mind's made up but i still can't make a move...
this soul's torn between me, reality and you...

i had to write that piece of lyrics/poetry which i wrote during one of the most difficult time of my life, before it goes from me altogether.
that aside, i recently learned that this blog has an audience who appreciates what and how i write.
thanks.

actually, i don't have much to rant about this time. perhaps, that's a good thing, that not all things have to be bad. that you can enjoy a little, laugh a little...even when you're down. yet, without trivialising or worrying that you're not taking seriously, your situation.

the xmas eve i recently had was, i think, in a very unconventional way, a quite meaningful one that i've had in a very long time. not that i actually celebrate it. but it's a holiday...so maybe, what i'm trying to say here is that, it was a very well spent holiday. (hahaha that makes sense?)

i spent it with a selection of individuals who has the maturity to look beyond common prejudices and reserved their biases. i hope i was viewed in a similarly positive way. however, i can't help but feel that truly that moment was too brief...too short. maybe, thinking that helps me to appreciate it even more.
we toasted to a better 360 days ahead. whatever that might mean...

but reality has a way of crashing the party. one had to urgently salvage what was probably the best thing that could've happen to her in years. another had to re-visit her commitments, another had to deal with the feeling of absence and self-guilt. and the other, had to deal with watching a good life walk away. depressing? hahaha to say the least....

but such is life. that's why, i think that brief moment we shared was good. one of my new found quotes about life, "never apologise for your feelings". that may be the only truly pleasurable thing in life...to feel.
so, once again, i find myself back at square one (why a square? why not a circle or a sphere? it feels more like a sphere). again, starting from zero, having to re-define everything. i thought i just got off the ride, who bought me another ticket? what? i bought two? damn, didn't know what i was getting myself into, huh? hahahahahaha
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"watch for sticks and stones,stumbling blocks in piles,
life is one big road,miles on top of miles,
so blessed be the soul,that always remains a child,
when most people don't even smile,
there is a natural mystic,blowing through the air,
so keep it realistic, and always be aware,

...and it was written,up in the book of life,that a man shall endure forever more",
Damian Marley (Junior Gong), "It Was Written".

such is life...

...or so they say.

well, i'd like to have a stand on the matter but can't seem to decide on which. whether to accept the statement as an axiom or to continue challenging it. i re-read my previous posts and found them to be quite depressing and quite directionless. come to think of it, i think i've been in such a state of mind for quite awhile.

today i had a conversation which brought up the topic of, "i still don't quite know myself". i think everybody re-visits the topic at various milestones in their life. emm, feeling quite modest, i really don't know.

the friend i was having this conversation with is perhaps going through such self re-evaluating process at the moment. and maybe i am too. by that, i can't help but feel a certain connection to this person. it's just perhaps comforting to know that you're not going on such a journey alone.

whatever it is, one needs to get back up and feel that they are in control again of every aspect of their life. the funny thing is, when you do think you're in control, and then something happens, you go through this process which effectively, (at least for me) pauses your living. and then you reach a stage where you start doubting everything that you seem to have held so firmly; believing that you've figured yourself out.

maybe, the thing that strikes me the most is how comfortable i am being in this situation. and because of that, i tend to think that being in this state is where i am in control of my thoughts, behaviour and decisions. being out of this situation seem to give me a sense of temporary security. perhaps, a false one, until i land myself in this situation again.

it doesn't make one a very reliable partner, that's for sure. makes one very volatile. but to consciously remain in such a situation is not the lesser evil either. perhaps, being in this constant limbo is the underlying current of a gemini. if that's what i am, what about the others? ah, an even bigger trouble, a philosophical gemini. hahahaha

i think i need another doobie!

to feel fine...

...is not an easy thing to do.

because we tend to question "why?". even when things are fine, we ask, "why?". maybe it's a sign of an unsettled soul. but i feel old. how many lifetimes does it take for my soul to feel settled?

more and more lately, i keep thinking about fatherhood. it's quite scary. because i remember a time when all i thought about was, well...i can't freaking remember. but whatever it was, i'm quite certain it had nothing with fatherhood. maybe because i thought i've made the mother of my child.

i was freaked out.

now, the scene in front of the tele, after dinner, the couch has a man and a child but no woman on it. as i watch the woman which i thought would be her, walk away into the arms of another man, i find myself asking in the infamous question "why?'.

i suppose this soul will find it hard to settle.

she had such a kind but defiant face. it's how she pouts and smiles. yet, i can't help but be angry at her.

i need to hideaway again, re-group myself. put on my arrogance again. for if i don't do that, i'd start falling for another girl again and possibly end up damaging that person as well. such a wimp, i know.

i can't even pretend anymore.

i know i have asked for so much. especially for you to prove that you're watching me. but i'm asking again, just make her believe that i did love her and still do. whether or not on the day that happens i'd still be in love her, i don't know but i hope so. but even if i don't, i hope i get that day.
i may not be good with birthdays, anniversaries and the likes. and i may not know what present to give, but i remember the day we met, i remember what i thought of you when i first laid my eyes on you. i remember what i was thinking about as we were standing at the traffic lights. i remember the smile, how you were seated (with the shoulders forward), i know it was real. and that's what i need you to believe. because they are not cheap; the words, the feelings, the actions....

but sometimes...

...you fail.

i've never heard you laughed so hard, and so frequently. i don't think i've ever managed to do that. and i hate you for it.

i suppose we've both learned valuable lessons from this. what those lessons are, each is to his/her own.

funny, i've been wondering for what good reason i behaved the way i did. it only became clear to me yesterday. it was, as i told you; regret.
regret that i didn't love her as much as i'm loving you. that i couldn't ever wanted her as much as i'm wanting you. and in a twisted way, i tried to make it up to her. i felt guilty, maybe, for shortchanging her.

i harboured the feeling of loss for her for a long time. and when i met you, whatever feelings i had for her were there because i held on to them for far too long. to be without those feelings is something that i needed getting used to. i've never told you otherwise. that, was the demon i had to fight, on my own. in my own way, at my own time. you should've just let me.

instead, you meted out my punishment without even telling me my sentence.

"how can you mend, a broken heart. how can you stop the rain, falling down", - Al Green.

desperately wanting...

...to know what I'm doing. with my career, relationships, faith, and ultimately, my life. "what am i doing?" is a rarely asked question. yet, we just keep on "doing". try as i might to anticipate and pre-empt the consequences of behaviours and actions, i sometimes get caught up in the process and never really get into the thinking. such is the frailty of the human mind.

do you know the feeling of being 'caught out'? it weighs you down with a feeling of disappointment, despair and desperation...all at once. you can be caught out not just when you're doing something "wrong", you can also be caught out when you're trying to do something nice.
sometimes, there are things that you don't talk about because it is not clear even to yourself. being caught out in such a situation, well...has, as i've recently learned, dire consequences. living with the consequences is hard enough, making it right is even harder. i want to make it right because it's the right thing to do. because i believe that i deserve the chance to do so.

many things can happen when you're trying to make right that can derail you from achieving your objective. you know the adage, things will get worse before it starts to get better? however, you keep going. not because you're selfish, not because of stubborness, not because of ego. it is because of humility. knowing that if you don't try, you would lose everything that really matters in this life...dignity, integrity, credibility and love. it is also a way to show your appreciation for the experience and gratitude to the almighty for a life worth living.

i've done that once when i was in australia. just riding the waves, chugging along, bulldozing through in spite of the adversity, knowing, believing that you'll come out on top. the difference then is i had only myself to be accountable to and for.
this time, however, there is another person that i need to be accountable to. a whole set of entirely different values, perspectives and sentiments. whilst it would be easier to just walk away and ignore, it would be something that i personally cannot live down. maybe others can take that road.

i cannot begin to explain, let alone defend my actions, regardless of how i was 'caught out'. though, i do think it was ethically wrong, maybe now, that's not the point. there's no denying, i'm responsible for what happened. but it was such a personal thing that i, and only i have the right to it. have the right to question it. have the right to deal with it. in fact, i was questioning it, i was dealing with it. if only you could understand that. i've not treated you any less, and now, i'm doing so much more, desperate to make an impact in your life.

how i feel for you now is how i've felt ever since. and genuinely do so. i don't doubt it. will it last? perhaps it should. for there's not enough in two life times for me to make it up to you. i owe you something that no human should owe to another, or even themselves. because of that, there's no redemption for me. has anyone else felt this way? can you imagine it? can you emphatize with it?

it is not the guilt that keeps me here. if it was, i would've behaved like anyone else. that is, happy that it's over and have the chance to exit honourably. but it is the desperation to prove that the perspective and interpretation that you currently have cannot be more contrary to what was intended.

alleviate me of my desperation, and start believing in the future that i've envisioned, then you'll come to learn, to know and hopefully, to love again the person, the man that i really am.
i don't know what this is. don't know if its my way of clearing the air. don't know if this a plea. don't know if this is how i get a perspective on whats currently happening. but it is now here for the world to read, and know. i hope that one of them is you.

to see you...

...with my eyes wide open.

to the smile that brought me sunshine everyday...hope you keep on smiling so my heart can feel its ray...

so tight it seems i've locked everything else out/ so tight it seems that reality's in doubt/ so tensed it felt everything stood still/ so tensed it felt your absence shook my will/ so loud it made no silence was audible/ so loud it made no peace was possible/ so dark it felt all of a sudden/ so dark it'll be 'till i see you, with my eyes wide open...